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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29609151">i'm not after your best friend (i'm in love with you too)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirbanana/pseuds/kirbanana'>kirbanana</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>dumb and dumber (they're in love with each other) [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Armin is a good Bro, Canon Universe, Eren and Jean are really dense, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Jean's crushing on Eren, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 16:30:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>21,340</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29609151</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirbanana/pseuds/kirbanana</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean wishes he could be in a situation where he looks a lot more suave, since he’s finally made up his mind to chase this boy and he’s actually doing something about it.<br/>“Eren, we have to talk,” Jean begins. “I don’t want to have this kind of strained relationship between us forever.”<br/>“What are you talking about? We’re fine.”<br/>That’s a classic Kirschstein move right there, Jean thinks. Avoid any glaring problems, avoid eye contact, pretend everything’s alright, and scowl.<br/>“We are not fine.”<br/>Jean is not letting him get away with the Kirschstein move. If he wants to be a Kirschstein, he’s got to do it the right way and marry Jean first.</p><p>Jean's POV of the events in my previous work, "Get away from my best friend, I'm actually in love with you)".<br/>Can be read as a standalone fic</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jean Kirstein/Eren Yeager, Levi Ackerman/Armin Arlert</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>dumb and dumber (they're in love with each other) [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2175360</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>61</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i'm not after your best friend (i'm in love with you too)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jean Kirschstein is in love with Eren Jaeger. </p><p>He has absolutely no idea why he’s fallen so deeply for the suicidal bastard that shoves him around angrily and picks a fight with him every other day. Maybe it’s those passionate green eyes. Maybe it’s that, deep down, they’re a little more similar than he’d like to admit. Maybe it’s that this green-eyed boy inspires him to be a better person every single day, and he starts feeling like his life has some value in the grand scheme of the universe. He’s not sure <em> why </em>he’s in love, but he knows that he definitely is in love. </p><p>He first entertained the possibility when Mikasa was stopping a fight between them. She encased Eren’s hands in her own, caressing his tanned skin, and he felt so irrationally upset. No, they aren’t allowed to touch hands like that! That’s so - <em> intimate </em>! He was seething with jealousy, and it all spilled out into an angry rage where he had grabbed Eren by the collar. </p><p>At first, he thought that it was Mikasa and her luscious black hair that stirred up his insides, as if a horse was galloping around inside his stomach. (Armin later told him that the correct phrase used to be butterflies, though he’s not sure what butterflies even are).  </p><p>As training went on, though, he realised that his gaze never fell on the girl that he objectively thought was beautiful. His eyes always seemed to follow Eren Jaeger, the guy he thought he disliked, but actually liked very much. Jean wanted to talk to Eren, though he could not remotely figure out why he just wanted to talk. </p><p>He would watch the way Eren did everything with passion, the way he bristled with a boundless amount of energy. He looked so stupid when Annie threw him on his feet during training, and Jean wants to laugh - but he also wants to sit next to him, fistbump him, be his friend, tell him he still did a good job at trying anyway. It’s not that Marco isn’t a great friend, and anyone would want to choose someone well tempered and kind like Marco for a friend! Thus, when Jean thought about wanting his best friend to be Eren Jaeger instead, he felt extremely guilty. </p><p>It took him a really long time to work things out in his head. (They’re both not really that intelligent when it comes to things as sensitive as feelings.)</p><p>He had felt so guilty about thinking about Eren being his best friend so much more than actually appreciating his best friend with the cute freckles. It didn’t make sense at all. Nearly everyone out of the 104th loved being friends with Marco. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be friends with Marco, he just didn’t want to get into hugs with Marco and get touchy and all! He knew he wanted those things with Eren though, so it must mean he’s greedy for another best friend. He’s such a jerk, as if Marco isn’t enough. </p><p>It was only when Bertholdt confessed to him one late night how much he wanted to <em> hug </em> Armin, how much he wanted to hold him and kiss him because he likes him like <em> that </em> , and could Jean please please, help him out - that Jean <em> got it.  </em></p><p>He found out that night what all the strange heart aches and inner turmoils really meant for him.</p><p>Since that revelation, he hasn’t really made much progress beyond creepily staring at his crush (shit, even the thought of calling Eren his <em> crush </em> made his heart skip) from a long distance away. Frankly, it’s a little pathetic. It’s not like Eren could possibly be into him, he has Mikasa and Armin as his best friends. The most beautiful and capable girl in the ranks, and the gentlest and prettiest boy in the walls. Whichever way he swings, he’s got it good.</p><p>Jean’s just a regular person, with a horse face to boot. What chance did he even have? </p><p>It’s so difficult to approach him, too. At basically every training session or every lecture, he’s sandwiched between Armin and Mikasa. </p><p>Jean wants to talk to Eren so badly, but they aren’t very good at communication. Eren doesn’t seem to like him very much, and it’s a lot easier to talk to Armin, if he’s being really honest with himself. Armin is so affable, while Eren’s just.. generally very moody and angry around people that aren’t his best friends. He gets the impression that his crush doesn’t really like him very much as a person, not to mention in a romance. (If Jean’s being really truthful with himself, he’s scared of Eren finding out. Terrified. There is no way Eren likes him back, and he does want to protect his own surprisingly fragile heart.)</p><p>Why did he have to fall in love with the most difficult and oblivious person? </p><p>He still finds himself staring at Eren in Shadis’ lecture about formations, while the other boy has that intense look of concentration on his face as he scribbles things down on a random piece of yellowed paper. The Jaeger kid clearly isn’t paying attention. </p><p>
  <em> I do wonder what he’s writing about. I want to know what he thinks about all the time. Does he like faraway stuff like Armin? Is he thinking about his next meal, like Sasha? Or is every single thought he has about killing Titans? I sure hope not.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Please let there be some space there, for me.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It’s okay even if it’s just a tiny corner. </em>
</p><p>Well, there’s only one way to find out.</p><p>He’s about to try and convince Armin to find out for him, so he effectively doesn’t incur any risk, but Shadis beats him to the punch and yells at Eren for zoning out in class. Jean secretly thanks whatever forces control this world for such a timely interference by their commanding officer. </p><p>“Eren Jaeger! What exactly do you think you’re doing, scribbling away rubbish when you’re supposed to be listening to my briefing? You want to die at the hands of a Titan just because you were fucking daydreaming in class?”</p><p>
  <em> Oh Shadis, go get it! Announce it to the whole world, so that I’ll know what it’s about, too!</em>
</p><p>Then Jean thinks to himself guiltily that it wasn’t a very nice thought to have. If he’s the one scribbling some hidden rubbish about Eren, he doesn’t really want that to be read in front of the class. Poor Eren, really. He should have chosen a better time to do something like this, but Jean doesn’t really have the heart to blame him. Stupidity can’t be fixed. (He’s kidding - no, not really. Eren <em> can </em> be kind of silly, but he’s so <em> adorable </em>when he does it.)</p><p>He feels kind of obligated to help Eren out, but subtly, subtly, so that Eren doesn’t find out he’s got a crush. </p><p>Armin’s going to be his accomplice in his plan. </p><p>He’s going to get the piece of paper, pretend to read it, say something related to Shadis’ class, and shove it away without actually peeping in on Eren’s secrets. (The amount of self control he has for the boy he loves, really.) He would then return the piece of paper to Eren after class, telling him that he didn’t read a single word of it at all. Eren would blush, thank him for being so sweet, and hold the parchment gratefully with those big doe eyes looking up at him. Oh, it’s so adorable he might actually get a <em> nosebleed</em>. </p><p>He winks at Armin, hoping that Armin gets his plan and understands that he’s trying to help Eren. The blonde boy is so busy patting Eren on the back and being a comforting best friend that he doesn’t see the many hints Jean’s trying to desperately give out. </p><p>“What’s that in your hand, Eren? Writing sobby love letters in the middle of class? At least I put these ears to good use,” Jean teases as he wiggles his ears with his fingers, before tugging on Armin’s arm. “Help me get that parchment, ‘Min. I wanna see who Eren’s writing about. Or what lame things he’s thinking about.”</p><p>
  <em> Well, that’s smooth.  </em>
</p><p>Armin sighs, and Jean’s exasperated. <em> He’s not supposed to sigh and sit there, choosing to stare into thin air! He’s supposed to be helping me!  </em></p><p>“Fine, I’ll do it myself.” </p><p>Comrades clearly can’t be relied on. </p><p>He leans across Armin easily, to snatch the piece of paper, and grapples with Eren. </p><p>
  <em> Seriously, Eren, you’ll get out of this a lot easier if you just gave it to me! If it lands in Shadis’ hand, you’re absolutely done for. I don’t know what’s written on it that you have to be this secretive about it, but if you are then it’s probably something that you don’t want anybody to know about, and he will announce it to the entire world.  </em>
</p><p>The next thing he knows, the idiot fucking <em> eats </em> the piece of paper. </p><p>Jean’s not sure if he has to reevaluate this crush or not. </p><p>Looking at Eren resolutely chewing and swallowing the paper, though, he somehow falls even harder in love, and resists the urge to laugh. </p><p>He can’t. He laughs so hard, partly because of how ridiculous the situation is, and partly because he’s bewildered by his own feelings and his own taste. What starts as snickering turns into pure laughter, tears pouring down his cheeks. </p><p>
  <em> Why, Jean, just - why. Why are you in love with someone so dense, hard headed, silly, and passionate, and cute… and handsome… and has bright green eyes like a pine forest… No wait, that’s not where my train of thought is supposed to go. I’m trying not to laugh, goddamnit. No point making Eren feel worse than he already does.  </em>
</p><p>“Seriously, I’ve had enough of the both of you. Every single time you two are in the same room, it’s like Mars crashing into Venus and I can’t take it anymore! You damn maggots yelling at each other make me want to vomit out my rations! You will <em> both </em> be punished <em> separately </em>because walls knows if I have to listen to one more fight I’ll throw you both to be Titan fodder! Eren’s going to be washing the dishes, while Jean cleans the damn broom closet before Levi comes!”</p><p>Jean’s face falls at the thought of them doing their punishments separately. He expects Eren to look relieved, or even elated that at least they don’t have to do their punishment together - but he, too, looks crestfallen. </p><p>Whenever Eren’s sad, he has this sad puppy face that just makes Jean want to hug him tightly and kiss his forehead gently. </p><p>The briefing ends, and everyone walks out quickly, eager to get away from Shadis’ towering and angry gaze. Armin pulls him along down the corridor, and talks to him - he doesn’t really mind, since Armin actually is his best friend since Marco passed away. Armin’s interesting to talk to, and he’s a great person to be around. It’s not like he wouldn’t rather walk alongside Eren, but he also enjoys the comfortable platonic relationships he has around him. </p><p>So, he listens and responds with one or two witty comments here or there. (He can be pretty humorous, you know?) </p><p>There’s the sudden sound of loud footsteps behind him, and suddenly, Eren crashes in between them fiercely. It’s a very narrow corridor, so Jean’s shoulder takes a pretty painful hit from the wooden wall, and he instinctively brings his hand up to rub the bruise. </p><p>He forgets all about the pain in a second, because Eren’s so close that his chocolate hair is tickling Jean’s chin, and his shoulder was pressed against Jean’s upper arm. The proximity is too much, and Jean feels the redness burning on his neck and cheeks. The shorter boy had a sulk on his face, and Jean can never read his mind, honestly. What is he trying to do? Was it that… it - it seems like he’s being protective over Armin. He’s always protective of Armin, so it isn’t really surprising… unless he’s so protective because he’s trying to say <em> “Armin’s mine, back off,” </em>by his actions. That thought sends Jean’s blood curdling and he feels a little frozen.  </p><p>“What the hell, Jaeger? What was that for?” He grumbles in typical Jean fashion, while his heart sings that he wants to keep Eren this close for the rest of his life. <em> Stop it, heart. </em></p><p>His heart pushes him closer anyway. </p><p>
  <em> Seriously, stop it, stupid heart! Why am I moving closer? </em>
</p><p>“Jealous?” </p><p>
  <em> I want to find out. Is he jealous that his - his boyfriend or something is hanging out all the time with me? Is it that he’s naturally protective of Armin since Armin used to get bullied by taller, stronger, people? If the latter’s the case, I wouldn’t do that to ‘Min! If it’s the former… Then I can’t do anything. They’ve been friends since they were young. Eren gave his life to get Armin out of a Titan’s jaw. I get that.  </em>
</p><p>“No!” </p><p>“Why are you so protective of Armin? Why do you even get so jealous when people hang out with him? He’s your best friend, I get that, but why won’t you even let other people into your world? It’s always just Armin, Mikasa, Armin, Mikasa, and when he has another friend, you get so upset and all! He’s not yours, he never said he was! It’s a ridiculous thing to be jealous about!”</p><p>Jean wants to take back all his words immediately after he’s spilled them. His harsh words came out by themselves, because he’s afraid that Eren and Armin are together. He wants to know why Eren’s so protective, he wants to know if Armin and Mikasa are the only people who are allowed in his world because Sina knows he <em> wants a place there too </em> . If Armin’s Eren’s boyfriend, that’s fine, he just wants to <em> matter </em>to Eren and not be some random acquaintance from the Scouts that he’ll never give a shit about. </p><p>When Eren snarls back and argues that it’s not like that with a wounded look in his eyes, Jean feels terrible for the things he’s said, and he wants to apologise, but he’s not sure where to even begin. </p><p>If only Marco were here. Marco would know the right thing to say to Eren, and guide Jean’s thick head through it.</p><p>Eren grips Jean’s jacket in anger. </p><p>Jean doesn’t really resist, because he’s aware that he’s kind of in the wrong. </p><p>The wounded look deepens, and Eren’s body begins to sag towards him, which makes Jean seriously worried. He usually says a lot of mean things to Eren, but most of the words bounce off his thick skin and don’t make him look this defeated and exhausted. The lack of any kind of resistance or physical scuffles makes Jean somewhat suspicious and his insides well up with guilt that gnaws at him like a bunch of rats.</p><p>The ashy haired boy opens his mouth to speak, but Eren beats him to it.</p><p>“It’s not like that.” He says for the second time, pushes Jean off, and walks away. </p><p>Armin and Mikasa run quickly off after Eren, the latter giving him a slightly reproachful glance, which manages to make him feel even more guilty than he already is. The fact that he let his jealousy get the better of him and push their non-existent friendship further towards the edge of a cliff bothers him terribly, and he decides to go and apologise to Eren. </p><p>It hits him that he’s really a changed person, and he’s a little ticked off that he cares so much about other people now, especially since he never used to care about anyone. His only goal was going to the inner districts as part of the Military Police, and living the rest of his life comfortably in the safest parts of the city, with a good salary and the provision of good food and whatever else he could possibly want. Instead, along the road - he became someone who <em> cares </em> about other people and <em> caring is exhausting </em>but he does it anyway. It just happens. He finds himself apologising more to others, helping the juniors with their 3DMG Gear, caring about other people's feelings when he says something asshole-ish and getting all guilty and emotional. </p><p>It’s not a fun ride, but he’s here now. </p><p>If he’s being honest, it’s exhausting to be a good person, and a better one every day - but the little voice that used to niggle at the back of his head whenever he did or said something asshole-ish disappeared, and he’s actually kind of grateful for that.</p><p>He knows what’s the right thing to do, now, thanks to his newfound personality, so he follows behind Armin and Mikasa quietly as he works out how to say he’s <em> sorry </em>.</p><p>By the time he catches up, he sees the three of them rolling down on the grass. </p><p>Armin’s pulling Eren into this tight warm hug, and Eren buries his face in Armin’s chest, arms wrapping around the gentle boy’s waist.</p><p>Negative emotions threaten to drown Jean like a hurricane, and he forgets why he’s even here, standing a distance away and watching Armin and Eren so physically close to each other that it makes his eyes wet and his heart twist.</p><p>
  <em> This sucks, and being good is for suckers.  </em>
</p><p>It’s not like Jean doesn’t get it, really. Half of the boys in the 104th squad are somewhat infatuated with Armin. Armin’s just as pretty as Krista, if not prettier, with the soft blonde hair that flows a little past his ears and the big blue eyes that have so many things they still want to see. His slight build and gentle personality coupled with his intelligence has him as the object of the affections of many boys’ affections. Reiner carried his bag pack during training even if it might cost him his score. Connie bragged to everyone in their dormitory (when Armin was away at a meeting) that he picked Armin up in his arms and flew across town with his 3DMG gear. After hearing that, poor Bertholdt was smoldering in a corner, angry and jealous and <em> blushing </em> , steam seemingly coming out of his ears. Even Marco stuttered around Armin, his freckles obvious on a canvas of bright pink - and they would quietly read books together. All of them fought to sleep in the bunk below him, but Eren took the cake, since he’s Armin’s best friend. He’s not surprised that Eren’s part of the group that has a crush on Armin, especially since they grew up together and he’s always been territorial around him. Anyone would fall for someone like Armin Arlert, really (Jean’s probably the only one who has resisted Armin’s <em> unintentional </em> charms. He likes his feisty, stupid boys.) </p><p>He stays rooted, and watches for a little while more, even if every second he watches causes him so much pain. </p><p>The trio say things to each other that he can’t hear, and they’re laughing happily.</p><p>The fact that they’re all still together while he lost his only best friend adds an additional layer of hurt to his already kind-of-hurting heart. He wants to lie down next to them, and laugh with them, because he’s so lonely and starved for friendship, other than the perpetual hunger for that handsome boy. </p><p>Armin links his arms together with Eren, and rests his blonde head on Eren’s shoulder. </p><p>Jean just can’t watch anymore, and he leaves quietly. </p><p>***</p><p>Even if he knows that Eren and Armin are together (or at least halfway there), Jean finds that he doesn’t stop caring about Eren, but he thinks he’ll be satisfied just to be friends with the three of them. More importantly, he doesn’t stop being a good person, he doesn’t turn back all the ways Eren made him better. He doesn’t transfer out to the Military Regiment the next day, even if he technically can. He doesn’t stop trying to help the 105th squad along. Somehow, he just feels like it’s too much of a betrayal to Eren to go back to the kind of guy he was (though Eren probably doesn’t care, if he’s being honest.)</p><p>One night, he’s cleaning up books with Armin. The small blonde boy had asked him to help out with taking the books from the higher shelves and wiping the dust down, before sorting it out.</p><p>Looking down at him, he realises he doesn’t even resent Armin, not really. Sometimes love sucks, and that’s the way it is. He knew that from when he was 6 and his parents decided to get divorced. His parents moved on to have multiple children with their new spouses, and it’s like he doesn’t matter anymore. Love is pretty damn cruel. </p><p>“Hey, Armin?”</p><p>“Hmm?” Armin hums back noncommittally, absorbed in the book that he’s holding onto. Somehow, the cleaning session had turned into a reading session. </p><p>“Why didn’t you ask him to come help you get the books from the taller shelves for you?”</p><p>Saying Eren’s name hurts too much, and he can’t seem to make himself vocalise those 4 letters. He figures Armin will understand who he’s talking about. </p><p>“Jean, are you tired?”</p><p>“What? No, I’m fine. Why?”</p><p>“Levi’s shorter than me, Jean. It’s only by 3 centimetres, but he’s still not going to be very useful. Plus, I think he’ll get really upset at whoever’s supposed to be on library cleaning duty, given these books are covered in two inches of dust,” he says, as he blows the dust off and swipes at it with the back of his hand. “I thought that’s common sense.”</p><p>“No, I was trying to talk about Eren, I wasn’t talking about Capta - Wait, you’re on first name terms with him?” Jean’s bewildered. Sure, he knew that Armin and Levi spent a lot of time together, but he always thought it was all the strategy stuff that the rest of them were too dumb to get. </p><p>“I mean - Well - Uh - “ </p><p>Armin’s blushing furiously.</p><p>He’s so pale that the crimson red practically glows on his cheeks.</p><p>“Would you look at the time, Jean, I think we’re pretty much done with most of the books!” Armin says, and backtracks towards the door surreptitiously. He’s not very good with being sneaky, and he’s terrible at lying unless it’s some seriously dire situation that involves the fate of humanity, then he becomes a very good liar.</p><p>“You have a <em> crush </em> on the Lance Corporal?”</p><p>“I mean - technically - he was the one who crushed on me <em>first, </em>alright - and I guess we’re kind of - um - in a relationship? Or not? Less than lovers, but more than friends? I don’t know, Jean, I thought you knew! This conversation is getting pretty awkward - so maybe - we should like, go back to bed,” Armin’s stuttering and blushing harder than Jean’s ever seen him.</p><p>
  <em> Woah, he’s really into the Captain.  </em>
</p><p>“What about Eren?”</p><p>Armin’s embarrassment turns into confusion.</p><p>“What about Eren?”</p><p>“Aren’t you together with Eren?”</p><p>“I - What?” Armin’s clearly perplexed.</p><p>Jean’s not that stupid, he can read from the expression on Armin’s face that he completely misunderstood the situation, and it’s his turn to blush furiously. Eren and Armin aren’t together, they’re just close. Come to think of it, didn’t Marco hug him the way Armin hugged Eren? Platonic intimacy is pretty common, and he had been so silly to take whatever happened between Eren and Armin so seriously </p><p>
  <em> Eren’s not together with Armin.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Armin’s taken. Well, sort of. The Lance Corporal had better do his job properly of holding onto his cute blonde so that I’ve got a clear shot with Eren. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Holy shit, where do I even begin?  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> We’re not even friends - but - I’ve got to start working on a plan.  </em>
</p><p>“Jean?” Armin approaches him cautiously, and puts a hand on his shoulder. </p><p>“Thanks, Armin!” Jean pulls him into a tight hug. “I owe you so much!” </p><p>He then speeds off to their dormitory, hoping that Eren would be there, so he could begin to enact a plan. Armin stands there for a while, stunned, before he goes back to packing his books with a slight knowing smile on his face.</p><p>***</p><p>The next day, Jean’s waiting in line dazedly for his food, still thinking about the previous night. </p><p>He hasn’t managed to do anything at all, since he froze up when he saw Eren, and hurriedly strode over to his bunk, before covering himself from head to toe with the blanket, pretending to be asleep.</p><p>He carries his tray of food over to the table where the three of them usually sit, and finds only Armin and Mikasa waiting there, sitting opposite each other. There’s not much going on as they eat, and Jean belatedly realises that Eren really is the life of their little gang, especially since Armin and Mikasa have relatively quiet personalities. </p><p>Just as Jean lifts up a dice of potato to his mouth, Eren crashes onto the seat next to him for the second time that week, and it sends the potato flying off the fork onto the table. </p><p>Jean’s mildly irritated - he’s in love with Eren, but Eren can be so rough and careless sometimes, especially when he’s being protective of his best friend. He <em> totally </em> does not find such clumsiness <em> cute </em> . He <em> definitely </em> doesn’t think about Eren falling into his lap by accident and saying “oops” with flushed cheeks, before settling into a comfortable position right on his <em> lap -  </em></p><p>The ash haired boy shakes his head resolutely, picks the potato back up and eats it anyway. He’s not fussed, really, they’re in the middle of a war and food is precious. It barely touched the table anyway, he reckons.</p><p>Armin walks over to the other side, sits with Mikasa, and Jean’s left to sit with his crush. </p><p>He’s not sure if he should say something to get Eren’s attention. The need to do something is still there, but he realises that he actually is pretty useless with feelings. Talking to Eren is harder than killing a 10 meter class Titan, and he feels the same kind of fear grip him. </p><p>He’s berating himself for not being able to say anything, <em> again. </em></p><p>
  <em> Kirschstein. Seriously. Say something. Do something. Kiss him. Hug him? Wait no, we’re not even friends - I mean - How about I run away? No, that’s not quite right either -  </em>
</p><p>A spoonful of broccoli sloshes right over onto his plate, from Eren. </p><p>Eren’s staring off in the other direction as he continues eating, with a scowl on his face.</p><p>Jean’s a little stunned, since Eren doesn’t really give him food. Well, other than that time at New Years’ when he somehow managed to hate the taste of chicken, and made Jean eat his leftovers. The stupid idiot has awful taste buds, but Jean kind of relished the idea of eating  from Eren’s plate, so he finished everything with a smirk. (He was trying for a flirty smirk, but he thinks Eren just found it annoying.) </p><p>His brain scrambles for a reply, and short-circuits into the programmed response of snarking at Eren, since that’s practically the only way he gets Eren to look at him.</p><p>“What the fuck, Eren? Giving me the vegetables you don’t like just because both Armin and Mikasa aren’t here to eat your leftovers?”</p><p>
  <em> Something about what I just said isn’t quite right… Walls, my brain just doesn’t work right around him. I can’t believe I said something that stupid… Technically, I’m not wrong. He should be eating his vegetables, instead of making me eat them! They’re good for him, and he needs it more than me with his powers!  </em>
</p><p>“Don’t be such a baby, eat your damn vegetables!” Jean says, and pokes the vegetable with a fork, before holding it in front of Eren’s mouth. </p><p>
  <em> I’m feeding him. I’m feeding him. Am I holding the fork too close to his face? I’ve never done this before, and it doesn’t really seem like I’m doing a good job. Maybe I should be a little gentler with my words? Is it the way I’m holding the fork? Should I nudge at his jacket with my fingers, and ask him to open up?  </em>
</p><p>“No, you fucking eat the vegetables, you horse face! Vegetables are for horses!” Eren snarls.</p><p>Jean sighs. He’s definitely not getting this right. </p><p>It’s just <em> broccoli </em> , for fuck’s sake, but it escalates into a straight out argument between him and Eren. How the both of them manage to make everything into a fight is honestly beyond Jean’s comprehension. Alright, he admits that <em> maybe </em>he does need a little bit of social skills, but so does Eren! </p><p>Before he knows it, he challenges Eren to eat his leftovers, and the idiot’s actually doing it. </p><p>He’s doing it while he’s looking grumpy and irritated, but doing it nonetheless. </p><p>Jean, for once, actually has no witty rebuttal prepared. He just looks on as Eren eats food from <em> his </em> plate, and tries not to blush. Anything he wanted to say died on his lips, and he’s not sure if he’s supposed to feel annoyed since they’re still fighting, or feel shy that they’re indirectly kissing. (The concept of indirect kissing is pretty childish, they’re <em> 18 </em>, goddamnit, but how else was Jean going to describe the heart pumping feeling of Eren eating from his plate?) </p><p>The latter emotions win out, and Jean promptly forgets all about being irritated. He wishes he’s the one to feed Eren his food instead, with the slightly shorter boy sitting next to him, thighs pressed together. He imagines Eren slowly putting his hand on his thigh, so slowly that Jean wants to groan out loud and ask him to hurry the fuck up - and opening his mouth as he leans over, waiting for the spoonful of grain in Jean’s hand. There’s a slight twinge of guilt about thinking about Eren like <em> this </em>, all delicious and ready for him to devour, but in his defense, he’s a 18 year old hormonal teenager in his prime. He’s sure that Reiner and Bertholdt have thought worse things about Armin.</p><p>“How about that, Kirschstein?” Eren says with a triumphant look on his face, and it jolts Jean out of his daydream. He even flinches a little, though Eren doesn’t seem to notice. </p><p>He’s got to do something now, <em> right now, </em>stat, immediately, ASAP. </p><p>There’s a partnered expedition tomorrow, and they’re allowed to choose their partners. He wants to ask Eren, and it’s a good time now to bring it up. </p><p>Stat clearly means 20 seconds, since he tries and fails to say what he wants to say. </p><p>The words resolutely refuse to leave his lips. </p><p>
  <em> Jean, come on, this is your chance. Mikasa isn’t even at this table, she’s gone over to annoy Sasha. You’ll never get a chance like this ever again. Just do it. Just ask him. It can’t be harder than killing a Titan. Actually, right now, it is. It is harder than that. Why did I ever think I could do this? No, that’s a terrible train of thought, I’m supposed to be encouraging myself to do it. Alright. Yeah. What’s the worst that could happen? Do it. Fuck - </em>
</p><p>“Do - do-you-want-to-partner-up-for-the-short-scouting-expedition-tomorrow?” He says in a rush. “The - The one to the outer pockets of villages in Wall Rose?”</p><p>Eren looks a little surprised. </p><p>“With you?”</p><p>
  <em> Yeah, that’s one of the not-so-good scenarios that could happen, and now it’s happening. Time to backtrack, and transfer to the Garrison so that I’ll never have to see him again. I don’t really think I’ll ever want to go to the Military Police ever again, actually. </em>
</p><p>“No shit, Jaeger! Ugh, forget that I asked!” He picks up all the plates and utensils, trying to steady his own hands from the embarrassment, then goes to return the trays. He heads in the direction of the toilets, thinking that a quick cold shower or at least washing his face might help to clear his head up, since it’s currently a swirling mess of emotions that he’s not quite sure how to sort out. </p><p>It’s not like he wasn’t expecting a rejection, since they’re barely <em> friends </em>, but it hurts anyway. </p><p>He wanders to the toilet entrance and walks in through the door, before he realises he has a slightly shorter and slightly angry shadow tailing him. </p><p>When he stops in front of this cubicle. this <em> shadow </em>miraculously crashes right into his back.</p><p>Eren’s always a little strange and unpredictable, but he’s been ramping up on the eccentricity recently. (Not that Jean doesn’t like it. He finds that Eren’s unpredictability suits his feisty nature, and it’s always a bit of a pleasant surprise.)</p><p>“Why are you following me to the toilets?” Jean’s a little embarrassed, actually. </p><p>“I mean – I wanted to ask – Why? Why did you ask me to partner up with you for the expedition? What – what about Armin? Or Mikasa, actually, I assumed I would be partnering up with her…” Eren says as he stares at his own boots. </p><p>Jean doesn’t know how to respond. It would be a little too fast if he says that he asked because he’s <em> in love </em>, so he’s got to think fast and come up with a response that doesn’t sound overly suspicious. </p><p>“Levi wants him to stay in base, so he doesn’t need a partner. They have some tactical discussion to be doing, apparently. Didn’t you hear? Mikasa’s partnering with Annie. A terrifying combination, actually. She wanted to ask Sasha, but Sasha agreed to go with Connie. Which is also why I don’t have a partner.”</p><p>
  <em> Okay, that sounds good. Not too much information, not too little. I think that’s good. </em>
</p><p>Jean wants to look at Eren and gauge his reaction, but he feels like the lie will fall through if he meets Eren’s gaze. He’s always been a terrible liar, actually. Straight to the point and nothing less than honesty has always been his style. If Eren looks at him straight, he might fumble and confess his sins and admit that he was totally lying and crumble into a “no-I-asked-you-because-I’m-in-love-with-you-please-go-with-me” kind of thing and that would <em> not </em>be good. </p><p>He continues to stare at a random pail of water, and the seconds elapse into minutes that feel like hours. </p><p>Eren doesn’t respond, but he doesn’t dare to look at Eren either, so he finds himself stuck in some kind of strange stalemate with the other boy as the atmosphere just gets more and more stifling. </p><p>He can’t take it anymore, so he says something.</p><p>“So? Are you going with me or not? If you don’t want to, just say it right now, don’t lead me on.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>
  <em> How do I even begin to explain what I just said? Doesn’t the sentence just speak for itself? What? I love him, but I’m not quite sure he brought his brain along when he got out of bed this morning. </em>
</p><p>“Walls, Eren, how thick are you? … Just don’t keep me hanging so that you can brag to everyone that I asked you to go to the expedition with me and you turned me down…” Jean replies.</p><p>He realises he’s actually a little scared. Not really about having everyone know that Eren rejected him, no, that’s something he already saw coming from a mile away. He just feels a little hurt that Eren might think about doing something like that. </p><p>He’s also a little hurt that Eren’s keeping him waiting, too - they are both pretty straightforward people, and it’s not like he can’t handle a rejection, so he wishes Eren would just deliver it straight away without beating around the bush.</p><p>“I wouldn’t do that! Why would you even think I would do something like that?”</p><p>“I don’t know, because you want to show off to Armin that you’ve got a lot of friends and everyone wants to spend time with you? Who knows what goes on in that dense skull of yours!” Jean finds himself raising his voice without meaning to, and he mentally berates himself. He doesn’t even know where the Armin thing came from, since he’s already clear that Armin is in a complicated relationship with someone else. </p><p>He’s just… frightened. Somehow. </p><p>Eren holding back on the response makes him anxious and jittery. </p><p>He’s always felt like if he’s going to be eaten by a titan, he wants it to be quick, so he doesn’t have time to feel scared, or anxious. </p><p>It’s the same here, too. He’s just waiting for Eren to deliver the rejection and he can move on with his life. </p><p>“Why would you think I want to show off to Armin? Why would I want to do that?”</p><p>“I don’t know! Maybe you just wanted to one-up me in front of everyone, so you’re not answering my question! You don’t want to go with me, but you’re pretending to think about it! Just tell me, for fucks sake!”</p><p>He can’t take anymore of this. All he’s asking for is an <em> answer </em>. Is it really that hard for Eren to give him one?</p><p>The door moves just a little - at first, Jean thinks that maybe it’s just the wind - then he sees a sliver of Connie’s shaven head from the opening, and Bertholdt’s huge boots from under the gap of the door. </p><p>Whatever this argument is about, it’s kind of <em> private </em> and <em> intimate </em>and he doesn’t really want anyone hearing it at all, so he walks into one of the cubicles and closes the door, where he would at least be safe from the prying eyes of others. Self reproach starts to engulf him from the toes up, and he knows that he definitely should not have raised his voice at Eren. Sure, it’s something they’re both used to, but Jean’s trying to be a better person now, and he doesn’t want that happening again. At least, he wants to try and tone it down as much as he can. </p><p>Jean sits down, buries his face in his hands, and sighs softly. </p><p>
  <em> Why can’t I seem to get anything right? I failed to save Marco, I failed to make Maman proud by going to the Military Police, and now I’m somehow fighting all the time with the boy I love. Even my limited romance knowledge tells me that there’s something quite wrong with the relationship between us.  </em>
</p><p>He hears a loud knock on his door, that makes him look up. </p><p>“I’ll see you tomorrow at 7 in the morning! Don’t be late, or I’m going without you!” Eren’s voice rings loudly through the wood, and it seems to rouse something in Jean. He feels a little less defeated, and smiles up stupidly at the door, knowing that Eren can’t see him anyway. </p><p>That night, Jean Kirschstein tries his damned best to put a lid on his temper and grouchy attitude. He promised himself in the afternoon that he’s going to try to be a nicer and more approachable person - not just because of the crush he has on Eren, but because the little voice in his head is telling him that it’s the right thing to do. So he does it. </p><p>He tells Eren that Connie told him earlier that Armin’s going to have an overnight meeting in the library. </p><p>(Personally, it sounds like a midnight tryst to him, where Armin gets all <em> indecent </em>with the Captain - but really, it’s none of his business. It’s also not his secret to tell, so he doesn’t say anything, and just passes the message along as he should.) </p><p>Eren shrugs, and Jean smiles at him. </p><p>It’s strange, smiling at Eren. It’s what he’s wanted to do for a long while, but his face isn’t exactly accustomed to real smiles that aren’t just arrogant half sided smirks, so he feels like he’s fumbling it a little. </p><p>Eren smiles back, and asks him to sleep in the upper bunk, where Armin usually sleeps. </p><p>Jean was <em> not </em>expecting that. (A lot of things have been beyond his expectations recently, actually. It’s like he’s always stumbling down step by step, until he finds himself practically rolling down with no way to stop.) </p><p>He’s shocked, yes, but he’s not about to say no! It’s a pity that Eren didn’t directly ask him to sleep in the same bed, but baby steps, yes? He’s gone a lot further along this road than he thought he could, and he deserves a pat on the back from himself. </p><p>“Alright, Eren.” </p><p>Jean snuffs out his candle, folds up his blanket neatly (he’s not that much of a slob as everyone assumes he is), and strides over to Eren’s bunk. Stepping up on the first rung up, he stops for a moment, admiring the look of Eren just <em> lying there </em>, emerald eyes wide open, staring up at him. </p><p>He knows he shouldn’t push his luck too much, but he does. </p><p>Heart pumping the way it does before a kill, he stretches his hand down towards Eren’s face. </p><p>Eren doesn’t look surprised or stunned at the action, just relaxed, comfortable and <em> content </em>, as if he’s completely at ease around Jean. A small smile plays around the edge of his lips. </p><p>He flicks Eren on the nose playfully, a sort of gentle teasing with no malicious intent. </p><p>“Just don’t wake me up in the middle of the night pining for your best friend. It’s Jean Kirschstein here, not Armin Arlert.”</p><p>He wants to kiss the boy below him, looking so gentle and fragile and <em> soft </em>for once, but he’s already gone a little too far for the day.  </p><p>When he gets up the top bunk and throws himself on the bed, he finds a stupid starstruck smile on his face. The relaxed look on Eren’s face was so beautiful - scowl free and worry free. He wants to see it every day - no - he wants to be the one to put it there every day. They could snuggle every night, wake up to each other’s relaxed faces, and lie there for a few minutes before they have to get up for their duties. </p><p>With that thought, he falls asleep to the sound of snoring by the other cadets. </p><p>Somewhere in the night, he stirs once or twice to the feel of fingers on his palm, but he thinks that he mustn't be properly awake yet, and falls back into dreamland.</p><p>***</p><p>When Jean climbs down from the top bunk that morning, ready to get dressed and pack for their expedition, he finds that Eren’s still in bed, pretending to be asleep. It’s pretty convincing, but his eyes are scrunched a little too tightly and his breathing is too uneven to seem like he’s actually not awake.</p><p>Whatever the reason is for Eren’s mysterious behaviour, he needs to get up. They’re going to lose valuable time needed for the expedition if he snoozes away. As much as Jean doesn’t like waking up early, they’re soldiers and the discipline to rise on time is part and parcel of their life now.</p><p>Jean leans back down, and tugs at the blanket harshly until it comes away.</p><p>“Wake up, Jaeger! Wasn’t someone yelling at me not to be late yesterday?” he says, as he jokingly throws the blanket gently at his face. </p><p>Eren stirs and opens his eyes slowly, looking confused. Jean’s got to give it to him. The just-awoken-look he has on his face looks realistic. Who knew Jaeger could be a good liar when he wanted to?</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, I’m getting up. Goddamnit, Kirschstein.”</p><p>Jean next sees Eren in the main concourse space for the pre-expedition briefing. Most of the pairs look happy and comfortable with each other, excited to go on their trip outside of the walls. Mikasa and Annie are the only pair that look a little unsettled, other than Eren and himself - they straight up take home the prize for most-awkward-partners with the way they’re acting around each other. The casual atmosphere from the night before dissipated, and they’re left with a strained mood between each other. </p><p>Jean doesn’t know how to relieve the tension, and he spends so much time looking at his boots his neck starts to hurt.</p><p>No words are exchanged between them on the walk from the concourse all the way to the exit of the gates, while Jean’s brain keeps coming up with possible topics and deciding against them as quickly as he makes them. All his wit and humour has abandoned him, and left him to fend for himself in front of his crush. </p><p>When they get out of the main walls, Jean feels his own internal tension seep out and flow away along with the breeze that brushes past him. He glances over at Eren, and is glad to see that the fresh air seems like it's lifting up the other boy’s spirits too. His bangs are blown away from his forehead, and it’s a handsome look on him, added on to that bright smile he hasn’t seen ever since - well, never. He’s never seen Eren this carefree, and it sends his heart into a happy kind of twist. </p><p>They travel by horse over greenery that stretches on for acres and acres, supposedly bringing them to the outpost that they’re supposed to camp at for the night and raid for resources. The sky’s blue and bright above them, and the sun lights up all the flowers peeking up from between the long grass stalks. </p><p>“Race you to the outpost!” Eren’s yelling over the wind, and Jean’s so happy he wishes he could freeze this moment forever.</p><p>Sure, it’s childish. </p><p>“Race? You’re thinking about racing me to the destination? So childish,” Jean says amusedly.</p><p>He’s just teasing Eren.</p><p>It’s true that it’s childish. It’s a fact that they’re already 18, and one of them is humanity’s last hope, while the other of them is a soldier trained to kill to protect that hope. They’re mature enough to bear the weight of lives on their shoulders, but Jean wants to indulge himself in this stupid race with Eren. There’s so little opportunity in his life left for fun, after all. </p><p>“And… And I’m definitely going to beat you!” He puts on a sudden burst of speed, and overtakes Eren with a lighthearted tug on Eren’s arm and a confident lopsided smile. The moment that he grabs Eren’s arm, he sees the other boy’s face light up impossibly brightly, his lips parted in a wide smile, eyes crinkling and sparkling with happiness. </p><p>Jean wants to look at that smile forever.</p><p>“Hey, that’s cheating!” He shouts, but he’s laughing so hard that Jean knows better than to worry that he’s actually angry. “You have to wait for me to start!”</p><p>The platinum haired boy waves his middle finger up. It’s even more immature than the race itself, but he can’t help it. He thinks Eren will find it kind of hilarious, too. </p><p>Sure enough, he’s rewarded with the sound of Eren’s laughter coming from behind him. The brilliant sound seems to stir something within him, as if his heart has become a blooming garden. </p><p>They ride quickly with the strong gust in their faces - and they reach the outpost just as the sun sets, coming into contact with the far horizon in a splash of bright coral and rose colours. The outpost that they are supposed to camp at for the night is right at the edge of the tall pine trees, in a clearing partially concealed by thick tree trunks. Eren’s somewhat leaning against the tree trunks, bent over slightly as he steadies and slows down his breathing from the adrenaline rush. </p><p>Jean’s still revelling in the feelings of winning against Eren, even in a stupid competition that has no prizes. He can’t help but gloat and stand around looking arrogant and haughty. Using narcissism to cover up his self hatred is part of his personality, after all. </p><p>“So, Jaeger. I won. What now? Do I get all the rations? What’s the prize?” Jean pokes Eren’s shoulder.</p><p>Eren looks up at him, with a slight sulk that shouldn’t be as <em> cute </em> as it is. </p><p>“No prize. None. Zero,” he says, his thick eyebrows knitting their way into a frown. </p><p>Jean wants to kiss that frown off his face. </p><p>“What? That’s not fair, I won, I deserve a prize!”</p><p>
  <em> I’m not really that fussed about getting a prize, frankly. The only prize I would want from you is -  </em>
</p><p>“You cheated!” Eren protests.</p><p>“No, I didn’t!”</p><p>“Yes, you did! What kind of prize would you even want anyway?”</p><p>
  <em> - a tight embrace, then a kiss. Three words, whispered now, when the two of them are so far away from other souls, alone together. I want you, I want so many things from you, I want your warmth and your love and your heart.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I want to walk over to you right now, and pull you flush against me. I want to grip your shoulders and lean downwards, and capture your lips, whispering against your mouth that you’re the prize I want. You’re all I want, really, in this cruel world. There’s nothing else I can crave anymore.  </em>
</p><p>Jean doesn’t know what to respond without revealing his every thought. He’s not ready for Eren to know he’s in love, not yet at least. </p><p>Eren doesn’t say anything. In fact, he’s starting to look a little upset. Not the teasing kind of annoyed, but actually annoyed. That worries Jean, and he starts panicking internally.</p><p>
  <em> What did I say wrongly? Did I accidentally make him upset without knowing? I was just teasing, I thought he knew that! It was meant to be friendly banter, I didn’t actually expect a prize out of him! </em>
</p><p>“Eren? I mean – I – I was just kidding,” Jean tries to laugh to ease the tension, but it sounds awfully forced even to his own ears. He tries to come up with an excuse for the joke, but falls a little short.  “I was going to ask for your rations, but I wasn’t actually going to take it or anything like that!”</p><p>It’s not very convincing, and Jean’s shouting at himself internally. </p><p>At this point, he’s lost count of the amount of times he’s yelled at himself to get it together in front of his crush and stop messing up at every step. Eren’s getting under his skin without even trying, and the confident and assertive facade he constantly puts up just crumbles away in front of the handsome teal-eyed boy. </p><p>Said boy smiles a little, and Jean literally hears himself giving a sigh of relief. </p><p>“Yeah, I’m good,” Eren replies with a faint breathy laughter, “I was just a little distracted.”</p><p>
  <em> Kind of makes me wonder what he’s really thinking.  </em>
</p><p>“Well, guess you’re just a sore loser then!” Jean elbows Eren in the side, who shoves him backwards. </p><p>“If you’re not happy about the outcome, we can race again tomorrow, back to the district. Maybe we’ll just race to see who finishes the rations first, really, because I’m not really sure if we can make it until tomorrow.”</p><p>The ration thing’s supposed to come out like a joke. Jean doesn’t mean for any of his fears and insecurities to manifest themselves in his words, but he’s coming to learn that a lot of things he says can’t be taken back, just like water that’s been spilled. It makes the entire situation a little uncomfortable, and their imminent deaths are back to looming over them like a dark and ominous cloud. The thought of it had vanished for a while in the autumn sunlight (as much as it can disappear in a war like that), but a mere few misplaced words from Jean had brought it back. </p><p>He tries to laugh it off in an impish manner, but Eren doesn’t look like he buys it at all. </p><p>In fact, Eren’s walking towards him with a sort of fervour in his gaze, and it intimidates Jean a little - before Eren grabs his wrist in a tight grasp. </p><p>Jean’s not sure why he’s acting like this. Eren always has the tendency to be intense, but he was really just making a joke. That’s practically all his words came down to. </p><p>“We’re going to make it to tomorrow. Then we’ll have our race. Don’t say things like that.”</p><p>“You don’t know that for sure,” Jean tries to plaster a smile on his face - he was making a joke, for walls’ sake - and he knows his smile looks contrived even if he can’t see himself right now. “Why’re you suddenly getting so sentimental? I was just joking!”</p><p>Eren’s eyes are blazing with intensity. It’s a look that usually appears when he has the side of his hand pressed to his lips in a defensive stance, ready to bite down and trigger his titan transformation. When his eyes flash, his eyebrows are furrowed, and he looks like a tempestuous storm that cannot be kept under control. </p><p>It’s a good look. That’s the kind of passion that makes Jean fall deeper every time he sees it. </p><p>“I’ll protect you. No matter what. I promise,” he says, with a kind of quiet intensity bubbling beneath the surface. </p><p>Jean thinks he should be happy, hearing the man he loves say something like that.</p><p>Instead, it rubs him the wrong way, and he pulls his wrist back.</p><p>Jean Kirschstein hates feeling led on. He hates it when people make empty promises that turn out to be filled with deceit - and he hates it even more when those same people think that apologising will make everything alright. When he was 12, his father promised that he would come home, but he never did. Left the house and went to be with another woman. The little family he had broke apart, and both his parents moved on - he became just another reminder of a failed relationship to them, and he doesn’t hold a candle at all to their new children. </p><p>Both of them had told him they loved him - and promised to always to be by his side. Look what happened. He’s left, writing letters to his mother that still cares a little, desperate for her attention, when she sometimes takes weeks to reply because she’s ‘so busy with the other kids’. </p><p>He thinks that’s why he’s grown up to be so straightforward and honest. </p><p>Everyone deserves the truth, even if it’s a little scathing at times. He knows what he would pick when it comes down to sweet lies or painful candor.</p><p>He knows he shouldn’t assume that Eren’s the same way, but he’s installed all these barriers around his own heart to make sure that he would never get hurt again, and they’re hard to let go of.</p><p>If he believes for a second that Eren’s into him, he might find himself liking what Eren said, but he doesn’t actually believe that Eren reciprocates his feelings. He’s expecting this to be a long chase, and he knows Eren’s just saying things like that because he has some kind of - <em> hero complex </em> - and he’s pushing it upon himself to protect every single person in the walls after he’s blessed (burdened) with Titan shifter powers. </p><p>“Don’t say things you don’t mean, not like that.” </p><p>Eren looks confused, and a little <em> hurt </em>even, when Jean pulls his hand out of Eren’s grasp.</p><p>“Anyway, I’ve heard you can’t even control your titan powers. How are you going to protect me?” That’s a low blow, even for him. It crosses the line from banter to insult, and Jean finds once again that he can’t take it back. </p><p>He watches as Eren’s face falls for a second, before the sadness gives way to fury. </p><p>The despondent look that lasted for a second hurts Jean much more than the anger and the heated words. </p><p>“Why do you have to be such an asshole all the time?”</p><p>“What about you, Jaeger? You’re hot and cold all the time, I have no idea what you’re thinking! Don’t say things like you’ll protect me, when you’re always getting upset that I’m hanging around Armin! Don’t tell me lies like that! Don’t get my hopes up!”</p><p>Jean knows he has to leave the conversation and cool off before he says even more things that he regrets. If he stops talking right now, he’ll technically be <em> omitting </em> information and not <em> lying.  </em></p><p>Bringing up Armin is getting dangerously close to revealing his deepest feelings and insecurities. He doesn’t want to discuss the fact that he’s so annoyed about Eren being protective of Armin around Jean because it seems like Eren thinks Armin <em> needs </em> to be protected from Jean, which means he thinks <em> Jean is a bad person </em>that somehow should be avoided.</p><p>Yet, he still says things like he’ll protect Jean. </p><p>It hurts, but he knows he doesn’t want to hurt Eren with his words, so he wants to step back and take some time off. </p><p>“I’m going to go unpack our rations and set up camp,” Jean mutters, and he walks off from the autumn ground into the cabin, his hands full with both their backpacks and sleeping bags. </p><p>Crouching down next to the backpack and a keg full of cans in the cabin, he tries to keep himself busy, but ends up staring into thin air as his hands move without much thought put into it. </p><p>He would pay an entire month’s salary just to find out what’s going on in Eren’s head. Eren’s acting really suspiciously all the time, which is strange because his personality is so… uncomplicated? At least, he’s someone who usually wears his heart on his sleeve. It’s so easy to tell what’s on his mind. He wants to kill titans. He wants to kill more titans. He suddenly learns that he can become a titan when he bites himself, and lo and behold - more titan killing. It’s really not rocket science. </p><p>At least, it wasn’t. Now, Eren’s sometimes a little more furtive. Writing strange letters in class, looking around during meals as if he’s hiding something, always finding his way in between Jean and Armin. He’s always been protective of his small blonde best friend, but it’s stepped over some kind of boundary into<em> excessive </em> recently.</p><p>
  <em> Is he in love with Armin in some unreciprocated manner? I mean, I know that Armin’s together with Levi, but it seems like a secret, if Armin’s furious blushing and clandestine attitude is anything to go by. Maybe - Eren doesn’t know, and he’s pining for his best friend. That would suck for me, but it doesn’t completely wipe me off the map. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Or maybe, he’s not into Armin, he’s just protective because the tall and angry looking (and handsome) Jean Kirschstein seems like he would be an absolute dick to his easily bullied best friend. If that’s what Eren’s really thinking, the lack of faith on his part is a little unpleasant. Forget the fact that I genuinely like Armin as a person, if anyone dared so much to touch a single strand of hair on that blonde head, the Captain would give them hell. No one’s stupid enough. </em>
</p><p>Jean snaps out of his thoughts when Eren walks in, and winces. </p><p>
  <em> Here comes the awkwardness. </em>
</p><p>The idiot crouches down next to him. He starts picking at the grains aimlessly, too. </p><p>
  <em> Great. Two idiots sitting in a cabin, with nothing to say to each other.  </em>
</p><p>Jean knows that it’s just as much on him to start a conversation as it is on Eren, and steels his nerves to apologise. </p><p>“I’m sorry -” they both say at the same time. </p><p>Jean fights down a sudden, irrational urge to laugh. Even when they’re apologising, they still interrupt each other. Some things never change.</p><p>“You can go first,” Eren says softly. </p><p><em> And </em> that’s his cue to start apologising and man up to his actions (or his words, rather). Marco was the one who started teaching him on how to properly say he’s sorry - and he’s not about to disappoint his best friend in heaven. </p><p>“I said a lot of things I didn’t mean, I - I was a little carried away by my emotions. I hope you know that I never meant to say such things.”</p><p>“That makes two of us,” Eren jests. Jean didn’t think he was going to laugh during this serious apology/conversation, but he does. </p><p>“Yeah, anyway, it doesn’t justify the things I said, or my shitty behaviour. I guess for a second, I couldn’t believe that you would want to protect as worthless as me. I mean, I clearly didn’t do anything to deserve it. You know how I don’t really like dishonesty? I don’t really see the point in lying, or being manipulative, or hiding the truth, for whatever reason. That makes me wary of promises, and my heart just keeps telling me that you don’t mean what you say.”</p><p>Alright, he’s not doing a fantastic job. It’s more rambling than a well-structured apology. </p><p>
  <em> Sorry, Marco. I promise, I was paying attention to your lectures.  </em>
</p><p>“Then I thought about it, and I don’t think you were lying when you said you’re going to protect me no matter what. It’s not that I’m special, it’s that you have a hero complex, and it’s in your nature to protect every single person you’ve come across. Especially after what happened with your mother…” Jean hiccoughs a little. “After that, I considered for a little while that maybe, just maybe, that protection extended to nearly everyone except for me. That’s a little scary, because I thought we were somewhat friends. Acquaintances, at least. I don’t know what I was thinking, Eren, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get carried away…” </p><p>He thinks he’s done talking, and it feels like a weight’s been lifted off his shoulders.</p><p>With just the two of them in a cabin and no other soul around for miles, he’s finally letting his walls down in front of the man he loves. It’s exhilarating, relieving, and terrifying all at the same time. He’s not used to showing any kind of vulnerability around other people, not to mention <em> Eren. </em></p><p>He apologised. It was a messy apology, but he did it anyway, and he hopes that Eren’s going to accept it. The whole apologising thing filters out the remorse that stings at his heart, bit by bit, and he feels his tense shoulders starting to relax as he bares his real side to Eren. No more facades, no more arrogance, no more jokes. Just Jean, plain old Jean who’s actually a little fucking scared, and hates himself more than he hates anyone else. </p><p>
  <em> Well, I’ve already gone this far. I might as well push it a little further.  </em>
</p><p>Jean reaches out to Eren with one hand. The other boy’s eyes are just trained on him, crouching in a casually defensive position, waiting to see what Jean does. His gaze is apprehensive, stunned, and a little bit of something else Jean can’t decipher. Hopeful? Scared? </p><p>It’s as if the rest of the world has faded away, and there’s only Eren and Jean left. Jean doesn’t mind. Nothing else matters.</p><p>He brushes a strand of brown hair behind Eren’s ear, and he tries his best to steady his hand from the shaking. </p><p>The smallest of contacts sends his hand tingling and his heart roaring in his ears, so deafeningly loud in the silence that encapsulates them. </p><p>“Eren, I - I’m sorry, you must be so confused by what I’m saying,” he whispers in a broken breath. Eren leans in just a bit more to catch what he’s saying. </p><p>The other boy reaches up and presses his hand against Jean’s extended arm, as if he doesn’t want Jean to pull back, and Jean’s world <em> careens right off its axis. </em></p><p>He feels Eren letting down his walls, too, and it makes him strangely nervous. </p><p>Jean subconsciously leans towards the point of contact between them. He wants more, <em> needs </em>more physical contact between them. It’s not a sexual kind of need, just an urge for close contact to accompany the emotional charged moment between them. A thirst for the passionate personality behind the tangible warmth that radiates. </p><p>“I wasn’t lying to you, Jean,” Eren murmurs. </p><p>“I know now,” Jean says back, his voice just as subdued. </p><p>They both fall silent in the darkness that obscures most of their faces, and Jean wonders what they would talk about in a moment like this, when they’re tender and gentle with each other. Would they finally be able to say words from the heart, or would they go back to their default arguments and prickly exteriors? They’ve never really been able to communicate properly, but they’ve also never had any kind of personal moment like this to communicate. Maybe he shouldn’t say anything at all, so he doesn’t mess anything up. Their faces are so close... he could just lean in and kiss Eren, let his lips and his hands do all the talking for him. All the words that he doesn’t know how to express properly. Maybe that’s the right thing to do. </p><p>The answer comes simply to him, and he knows what he would say. There’s nothing else that would make more sense than those three words he’s been dying to tell Eren. </p><p>It doesn’t come. </p><p>It dies in his throat. </p><p>It’s not possible that Eren Jaeger likes him, and he doesn’t want to frighten Eren away. For all he knows, he’s already messed up everything between them so badly by even showing this horrible, <em> vulnerable </em> side when it wasn’t even asked for. </p><p>He’s always such a fucking mess. </p><p>He thought that he might have gotten a little better at being a human after Marco died, after he fell in love, but he’s still the same old piece of shit that’s too frightened to let his guard down because he burns everything he touches. </p><p>His gaze shifts downwards to his toes, and he knows the moment’s broken. He broke it himself. </p><p>“I know you’d still protect me, even if I’m worthless. I’m selfish, you know me. And nowhere near as brave as you are.” </p><p>“I’ve never thought that’s true.” </p><p>He hopes Eren’s just reassuring him and not saying what he actually thinks. He doesn’t think he’s able to take it if Eren genuinely thinks he’s brave and selfless, because he really doesn’t want to fool Eren into thinking he’s a better person than he really is. That’s <em> lying, </em>and he’s done too much of that ever since he fell in love. </p><p>Love is too complicated for a simpleton like him.</p><p>“It is, though.” </p><p>Tears well up at the corner of his eyes, and he brushes them away quickly with the back of his hand, head still bowed down. He’s already shown Eren how emotionally vulnerable he can be, and he doesn’t need Eren to see him, a 6ft tall grown man, <em> crying </em> as well.</p><p>
  <em> One, two, three. Okay, I’ve got this.  </em>
</p><p>Standing up, he’s back to being expressionless and annoying, with no sign at all that he had cried a second ago. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Jean says evenly, hoping against hope that his voice doesn’t tremble and betray him.</p><p>Eren looks like he doesn’t know what to do with himself. </p><p>The usual awkwardness seeps back in, a hundred times, a thousand times more, so much that he feels a chill seeping in through his bones. </p><p>Jean pointedly does not look at Eren, as he picks up the chopped wood pieces in a corner of the outpost, brings it out of the cabin, takes out the matches he’s packed in the morning, and lights a fire. </p><p>Eren looks hesitant, like he’s bursting to say something, but he never vocalises what he’s thinking about. </p><p>
  <em> Probably something about how I’m such a weak loser, really. He’s just not saying it because he’s not actually that mean to cut someone down after they’ve shown so much fragility.  </em>
</p><p>The fire roars, providing much needed warmth in the middle of the cold autumn night. Both of them stare dumbly at the fire as they eat their barely palatable rations wrapped up in messily folded paper. After a mouthful of water, Jean makes an attempt at speaking, because he’s so lonely and sad he can’t stand it.</p><p>“Hey, do you know apparently it’s Mikasa that stole Sasha’s food at New Years’? I heard it from Connie.”</p><p>“Yeah.” </p><p>“I mean, it’s really surprising, she doesn’t seem like the kind to do that, right?”</p><p>“No, not really.”</p><p>“I didn’t know that she was that close to Sasha, honestly, and I was really surprised when her first choice was Sasha for this expedition, you know?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>It’s like Jean’s talking to this completely impenetrable wall. Eren either is lost in his own thoughts, or he just doesn’t fucking care. Jean’s a little inclined to think it’s the latter, and his heart sinks. </p><p>“I’m going to bed,” Jean says. He’s tired, and just wants to lie down and hate himself without having to put up a pretense. </p><p>“Yeah, okay. Good night, Jean.”</p><p>“Good night, Jaeger.”</p><p>Jean can’t bring himself to say Eren’s name. Half of him feels like he’s been this complete coward and he hasn’t done a single right thing by Eren the entire night, other than a half-assed apology. Well, the <em> intention </em> of it was definitely not half assed, he tried, but the execution of it was awful. The other half just wants to bury himself deeper into his sleeping bag and nurse his broken heart that yearns for someone who doesn’t love him back. </p><p>Embroiled in a mixture of guilt and sadness, he fights the urge to break down into tears, and stares at a tiny ant crawling its way across the chipped timber until he finally, finally falls asleep. </p><p>***</p><p>The sky outside is still dark when Jean wakes up. He estimates it to be just a little before dawn.</p><p>A Survey Corps cloak is draped over him, and he knows it’s not his own, since he remembers that his cloak is still tucked away neatly at the bottom of his bag. Somehow, Eren must have done this in the night. </p><p>He glances over at said boy, to find that he’s sleeping peacefully on a thin mat in the other corner of the cabin. It’s real this time, judging by his slowed breathing and relaxed grip. The silly boy’s all curled up in the cold that’s not nearly cold enough to wake up and get a blanket. It makes him look a lot smaller and helpless than he really is. He almost looks <em> gentle </em>, though he is anything but. Jean can’t help himself. He leans down ever so quietly, hoping that the creaking floorboards doesn’t give him away, and presses his hand gently to caress the top of Eren’s head. At this distance, he’s close - Eren smells of fresh grass and petrichor, and Jean wants to bury his face deep into Eren’s hair, but he’s too afraid the other boy will wake up. </p><p>Just running his hand through that soft hair is good enough. He wants more, while Eren’s deeply asleep, but he <em> respects </em> him. Not in a way that a soldier respects humanity’s last hope, but in a way that a human respects another human. </p><p>Jean’s a jerk, but only on the outside.  </p><p>It’s the closest he’s ever been to Eren, and he thought he would feel excited and nervous with heart palpitations, but he’s surprisingly calm. As if the air inside and outside his lungs are one and the same. </p><p>This is probably what it feels like to be <em> content. </em> He doesn’t think he’s ever been content, not until now. (For a second, he thinks about how pathetic it is to be so content with just getting to stroke his crush’s hair.) </p><p>After staring at Eren’s sleeping form for about 10 minutes, he finally decides to get a move on and start his day properly, since he’s already awake, and he doesn’t feel like he can possibly go back to sleep. The both of them have to be up in half an hour anyway to get back to the gathering point by the appointed timing. </p><p>He puts on Eren’s cloak around himself, digs his own cloak out of his backpack, and covers the sleeping boy with it. </p><p>It’s a little selfish, but Eren’s cloak really smells like him, and Jean wants that to himself, like a keepsake. </p><p>If he closes his eyes, he can almost imagine Eren wrapping his tanned arms around his own broad shoulders from behind, smiling and pressing a kiss to his temple, all just from that scent. It’s a good daydream, and daydreaming doesn’t cost him anything. </p><p>The fire has died away by the time Jean’s awake, so he leaves the charred pile of wood right outside the cabin. He then sorts through the canned food in the keg methodically, seeing what he can keep and what’s a waste of effort in bringing back. The extra bag of grains found in this nearly obsolete outpost seems pretty useful as well, so Jean straps the bag to the saddle of his horse, and attaches the rest of their items to Eren’s horse. Sauntering a little distance beyond the clearing, he refills their water skins at a small stream with little fish that he finds nearby, making sure they won’t be dehydrated on the journey back. </p><p>It’s a lot of productive packing, and he’s somewhat proud of himself and the work he’s done when Eren stirs. The other boy doesn’t even have to lift a finger, and they’re just about all set to head back to the districts. </p><p>When Eren wakes up, he grips the cloak and frowns. </p><p>Jean isn’t sure if he can tell that the cloak’s not actually his, or that he just goes into immediate scowling mode upon waking up since he’s mostly moody around Jean. Neither of them sound like great options, so he opts to just avoid thinking about it. </p><p>Yeah, Jean tends to run away from his problems sometimes. (He’s getting better at it, alright?) </p><p>He tries for a good morning greeting. </p><p>“Morning, Jaeger.”</p><p>“Morning, Jean,” Eren responds. </p><p>Okay, well, that’s something. At least Eren isn’t constantly calling him by his surname. He should probably return the favor and stop calling him Jaeger. </p><p>“I packed your stuff onto your horse as well. We should leave soon, if we want to get back by the appointed timing,” he says, as Eren rolls up his sleeping mat and tugs his cloak more tightly around himself, putting the hood up. The weather’s getting quite cold, after all. The boy nods in response. </p><p>Annie and Mikasa are the first to arrive back at camp, and Jean and Eren fall in next. Once everyone’s gathered and ready, all the 104th cadets start heading back to the mess hall for their lunch, Jean tailing behind Eren and Mikasa. He watches as she wraps her scarf around his neck, and he looks uncharacteristically tired as he doesn’t even resist her sisterly affections. Eren would usually yelp and get annoyed at Mikasa for coddling him like a kid too much - Jean wants to pull him back and ask him what’s wrong, or say he’s very sorry for his behaviour the entire expedition. </p><p>Just as he takes one step forward, Armin joins them at the table, and Jean’s lost his chance to talk to Eren privately. The bright-eyed blue boy sits at their table, his blonde hair all mussed up. He looks delighted and exhausted at the same time, and he just exited Levi’s room - Jean’s not an idiot. He can put two and two together. It’s so <em> obvious </em>what he’s been up to while the rest of them were sleeping in godforsaken outposts in the middle of nowhere when it’s nearing winter. </p><p>He pokes Armin in the shoulder with an index finger, and gives the other boy a sly grin. </p><p>“What has the Captain been doing to you? You look awful. And happy, at the same time.”</p><p>Armin looks abashed and vexed at the same time, as if he can’t decide whether to bury his face in his hands or smack Jean. His face is reddened, and he starts fanning himself with one hand. </p><p>“Oh, it’s nothing, just a lot of late nights, but we did come up with some really good long term plans for the scouts, so I guess staying in base really went great! I heard you and Eren paired up, how was it?” </p><p>
  <em> Good long term plans for the Scouts, eh? Are you sure you were making plans while in Levi’s bedroom for the entire night? </em>
</p><p>“I heard you and Eren paired up, how was it?” </p><p>Armin’s clearly changing the subject before Jean can say anything, and honestly, it’s <em> very effective </em>. With just one statement, he gets right under Jean’s skin and makes him forget all about the teasing things he’s going to say. The tables are flipped in a single move, and Jean’s now the one scrambling to come up with something to say. </p><p>He’s clearly not one of the most valued tacticians for nothing, the sneaky bastard.</p><p>“Just, you know, the usual, Jaeger losing to me in a race, arguments, stuff like that!” </p><p>He thinks Eren would say something snarky back, and they can hopefully dissolve whatever strange mood’s between them by yelling it out. </p><p>Eren doesn’t respond, his eyes on the oatmeal as he stirs the bowl of mush aimlessly. </p><p>Armin looks worriedly at Eren, and Mikasa stares at Jean like she would very much like to defenestrate him or disembowel him. Walls, he’s scared. How could he ever have thought that he had a crush on her? She’s <em> terrifying </em>, way more than her brother is. Jean feels himself shrinking a little back in his seat, and resists the urge to crawl under the table. </p><p>He doesn’t want to look at all three of them, so he stares at his own bowl of food and eats. </p><p>When they walk out after lunch, Eren storms off somewhere, and Mikasa follows him from a distance out of worry, leaving him and Armin standing side by side. He’s not feeling like he’s in the mood to talk, really, but Armin nudges at him playfully. He looks down to see Armin smiling, looking as innocent as a puppy, his head tilted a little to the side in a thoughtful manner.</p><p>“Take a walk with me, Jean.” </p><p>“We have training in 5 minutes, Armin.”</p><p>“Sit with me, then. We’re at the steps next to the training grounds, it’ll take us less than a minute to walk there.” </p><p>Jean does so, begrudgingly. He really doesn’t want to talk to anyone at all, but he knows Armin’s just trying to help. He’s a sweet person. Jean sits down, crosses his arms, and frowns. </p><p>“So. You look terrible, and so does my best friend.”</p><p>Jean nods, still displaying a sullen look on his face. </p><p>“You guys went on an expedition together, and both of you come back acting like storm clouds. All gloomy, testy, probably going to rain buckets on everyone’s parade. I know that both of you are really <em> really </em>stubborn people, but I think you both need to talk to someone about it.” </p><p>“Why aren’t you digging out your best friend and making him talk to you then?” Jean retorts. He knows he’s acting like such a little kid, and he’s frankly surprised that Armin’s patient enough to deal with him.</p><p>“He has ‘Kasa. So, you’re stuck with me.”</p><p>“I’d rather have Mikasa. At least the view’s good.”</p><p>“Don’t lie, Jean, you find her terrifying. I can tell.” </p><p>Jean thinks that Armin should be everyone’s therapist. He’s endlessly patient, so calm, so full of <em> goodness </em>, and he can read people so easily like an open book. He’s secretly glad to have Armin as one of his best friends. </p><p>“Also, are you saying the view’s not good here?” Armin sets his hands on his hips, and pouts. </p><p>The blonde boy looks cute doing that, he won’t deny, but he can’t help but think how perfect Eren would look when he’s pouting and tugging on Jean’s sleeves. (He’s really fallen too deep.)</p><p>“That kind of look should be kept for the bedroom, Arm, I’m sure your Captain will appreciate that much more than I will!”</p><p>“Oh, he doesn’t like it when I pout, or when I look adorable. He likes it when I make him go on his knees,” he says nonchalantly as he brushes his golden hair to the side.  </p><p>Jean gapes at Armin. He actually can’t tell if the other boy’s joking or not. The thought of that is so <em> strange </em>he really doesn’t want to think about it. For fucks sake, it’s Armin. The purest and most innocent sunshine boy. Not that Armin isn’t capable, but - alright, he’s not being fair to him. If there’s anything Jean and Eren have in common, it’s that they’re both so overprotective of Armin that they forget how skilled and talented he is. Still, he doesn’t want to think about their best friend and their Captain mucking around in a room, it’s a little traumatising.</p><p>The bell rings, signifying the start of the training and the gathering of the cadets.</p><p>They both get to their feet, and brush off their knees. Armin gently rests his hand on Jean’s arm.</p><p>“Meet me tonight, Jean. After everyone’s asleep. On the roof of the mess hall, there’s a secret staircase up at the back of the kitchen. You could really use a good talk, alright?”</p><p>Jean nods once again, not sure what to say, but he knows he’s feeling extremely grateful to Armin for being such a good friend. </p><p>***</p><p>That night, when Jean thinks everyone else’s asleep, he ties his cloak around himself and tiptoes out of the dormitory, past Eren and Bertholdt’s bed. He forgets for a second how long Bertl’s legs are, and nearly knocks into them on his way out. </p><p>Armin’s sitting on the roof, waiting for him, and the sweet boy waves t0o him as he clambers up the rungs of the secret ladder and onto the red terracotta tiles. </p><p>“I turned up. For therapy.” Jean acts like he’s coerced into this, and scowls at Armin, but he’s secretly extremely glad that he has someone to talk to about Eren. </p><p>“Good job, Jean! If you didn’t come, Levi might come and drag you out, you know? I told him I’m not spending the night with him because you need a friend, and he will be <em>angry </em>at you if he finds out that you’ve wasted my night.” </p><p>“Wait, Levi knows about me and Eren?” Jean splutters. </p><p>“I’m just kidding,” Armin sticks out his tongue and laughs. “Levi doesn’t decide where I go or what I do, you know.” </p><p>Jean sits down next to Armin, as the boy stops his teasing and gradually settles down into the genuine and warm version of himself. He reminds Jean of Marco, and it’s a little like he has his best friend back. If he looks to his other side, he can almost imagine Marco, whole and happy, right next to him. </p><p>It’s nice having a friend. </p><p>He didn’t have many, growing up, since he can be quite the asshole. It was like a mechanism to stop people from getting too close. </p><p>Jean hugs his knees tightly, while Armin stretches his body across the roof shingles, arms extended wide. There’s that strange wistful feeling that hits, when he sees how much Armin’s changed, and they’ve been soldiers for years now. The blonde boy next to him used to be a creep that hid behind Eren all the time, but he’s now <em> happy </em> and <em> a little more </em> confident. Being with Levi seems to help his insecurities about himself, to the point he’s less uncertain about his plans when he lays them across the table and explains to the rest of the cadets. </p><p>He’s happy for Armin. </p><p>At the same time, he wonders if he and Eren will ever be like that. Supporting each other, complementing each other, a perfect pairing of brains and brawn, growing to be a better person every day. That’s the dream relationship, man. Helping each other grow as individuals, but always half of a whole. He wouldn’t say he’s jealous of Levi and Armin, but he knows that he wants something like that.</p><p>He knows that Eren has definitely made him a better person, but he doesn’t think he’s contributed much to Eren - his insides squirm with guilt and inferiority. </p><p>“Hey, therapist, can I ask you a question?”</p><p>“What’s it?”</p><p>“So what’s between you and Levi?” </p><p>Armin laughs gently. </p><p>“We’re here to talk about you and Eren, don’t change the subject.”</p><p>“We’ll get there eventually, that was my intention for the night.”</p><p>Armin leans in, his hand covering his lips as he stage whispers to Jean - </p><p>“We’re together,” Armin says, and pauses. Jean’s silence is a cue for him to continue talking, and so he does. “He got a tiny seashell for me the last time he went to Wall Sina on official Survey Corps business, from some old man setting up a trinkets store near an alley, and threaded it on a strip of leather. Gave it to me between the pages of a book, and asked me to be together with him.”</p><p>Jean presses his ear in closer, not wanting to miss out on the information. He could use a few tips to ask Eren out, too.</p><p>“How did he ask you?” The golden-eyed boy whispers back.</p><p>Armin leans back, all pretence of a secret gone. They’re the only two people out at this time of the night, anyway. </p><p>“Well, he said something like… ‘I don’t really hate you compared to everyone else, so, maybe, do you want to be together with me?’” </p><p>“That is actually really… unromantic.” </p><p>Well, there’s clearly no tips to be found from this conversation. He’s not sure why he expected more out of the stoic Captain, but his hopes were clearly misplaced. This guy had no idea how to chase another guy. The gift in a book thing would barely appeal to Eren, he doesn’t even <em> like </em>reading. He doesn’t like food the way Sasha does either, so he can’t hide a ring in a potato. The only thing he seems to really enjoy is training… and Titan killing… How romantic would it be, if Jean pulled out a ring from a titan’s gut and gave it to him? </p><p>
  <em> Yeah, that would be so easy. Just gotta find a titan that does part time acting besides eating people. </em>
</p><p>Armin clearly finds it very romantic, though. He’s smiling so wide, eyes sparkling as if he’s seen the ocean. </p><p>“You are so <em> in love </em>, Arlert. It’s written all over your face.”</p><p>“Yeah, I am. I really am. What about you?”</p><p>“I’m happy for you. And, about Eren...” </p><p>Jean knows he can’t really delay it anymore, so he comes clean to Armin, who’s a very patient listener. He tells Armin how he fell in love with Eren, how he figured out he’s in love with Eren, how good Eren is, and how he won’t stop thinking about the teal-eyed boy until the stars fall from the heavens and he’s long dead. He spills words about how he tries to talk to Eren, but they always end up arguing and he always ends up saying something hurtful. He rambles on about how he’s going to end up like another failure like his mom, not being able to hold on to a man’s heart. </p><p>Now that he’s got a rhythm, he can’t stop. </p><p>He prattles on about how he said some awful and mean things to Eren because he’s so emotionally stunted. He talks about how Eren’s hand had felt so warm when it rested on his arm, not letting him pull back. He tells Armin all about how much he wanted to kiss Eren then, and how much he <em> regrets </em> not taking the plunge and just <em> kissing </em>Eren, that suicidal bastard. </p><p>Somewhere along the way, tears form at the corner of Jean’s eyes. Jean wipes the tears away with the back of his hands as he continues talking and talking and <em> talking </em>until the words seep out along with the pain, bit by bit. He’s a total mess, and he’s making a half baked attempt at gesturing while he wipes at his tears that don’t seem to stop. </p><p>Armin leans over to wrap his arms around Jean. </p><p>For a second, he thinks he feels Marco’s ghost behind him, pulling them both into an embrace. </p><p>It’s enough to make his heart hurt, knowing that both his best friends are there somehow, comforting him as he cries over his <em> stupid </em>unreciprocated love. </p><p>He finds himself burying his face in Armin’s shoulder, and the tears fall of their own accord like a waterfall. Thoughts are swirling around in his head like a hurricane, and he’s confused - the only thing he’s certain of is that he’s definitely a blubbering idiot right now. Armin, with endless levels of forbearance, is still ruffling his hair and not running away. </p><p>He’s not very coherent, so he says something really dumb, like -</p><p>“W-W-Will Levi kill me for this?” as he hiccoughs and sobs and wipes his nose messily. </p><p>“Jean, you idiot, he won’t,” Armin replies, as he chuckles. “You and Eren are so silly sometimes, honestly, I have<em> no idea </em> what to do with either of you.”</p><p>“Help us get t-t-together,” Jean responds, sniffling and trying to clean up his face.</p><p>“You’ve got a good chance, Jean. Just need to get your head out of your ass and work around it. I think he <em> might </em>be interested in you, too, so I’ll leave it up to you yeah? You’re all grown up now. Time to fight your own battles. Won’t know until you try.” </p><p>Stupid Marco left him behind. Stupid Armin feels like the parent he’s always needed. Stupid Eren’s got such a best friend, it’ll be a miracle if Eren’s not in love with this blond boy. Stupid Levi had better cherish him, or else - Jean’s going to knock him on his ass or die trying. (He’s probably going to die trying.) Dumb Eren needs to love Dumber Jean, because he’s way too deep in love, and he’s going to really <em> try </em>, now. </p><p>He doesn’t know how to express all this to Armin, so he just pulls away, nods, and tries to look like he’s fine amidst the tears. He knows from the twinkle in Armin’s eyes that the other boy gets it, and lets Armin get away with pretending to yawn and actually suggesting that they all go to bed. </p><p>At the door of the dormitory, he yanks on Armin’s sleeve, like he’s 5 years old, and whispers to him that he’s really thankful. </p><p>The other boy waves it off as he climbs back into his bunk. </p><p>***</p><p>Jean Kirschstein tells himself he’s going to try, and that means he’s <em> really going to try </em>. No more head up his own ass, no more hiding or running away. He’s going to chase the man he loves, and accept whatever outcome he gets from Eren. Given the sort of tense situation between them, though, he’s going to settle for getting to be good friends first. Piece of cake. Not a long shot. </p><p>By the blessings of the universe, he’s assigned to clean the horse stables with Eren the next morning, which is where he plans to execute Part I of his plan, which goes something like - Part I, be friends. Part II, ask him out. Just do it. </p><p>It’s not as sophisticated as the things Armin comes up with, but it’s good enough for him. He gets a feeling that Eren appreciates straightforward things the same way he does. He probably wouldn’t like it if Jean came up with some overly complex kind of romance with finding clues and hiding gifts and all. </p><p>(Yeah, that’s Jean’s original idea. That’s right, he’s much more <em> charming </em> and <em> romantic </em>than Levi Ackerman, and he certainly knows how to treat a man right. His momma didn’t bring him up to not be a gentleman. His momma didn’t bring him up, at all.) </p><p>He finds himself crouched in a corner of a horse stable, wiping away stubborn stains on the weathered bricked walls. Eren’s sweeping away the hay listlessly, not saying a word. </p><p>Jean wishes he could be in a situation where he looks a lot more suave, since he’s finally made up his mind to chase this boy and he’s actually doing something about it. </p><p>“Eren, we have to talk,” Jean begins. “I don’t want to have this kind of strained relationship between us forever.”</p><p>“What are you talking about? We’re fine.” </p><p>
  <em> That’s a classic Kirschstein move right there. Avoid any glaring problems, avoid eye contact, pretend everything’s alright, and scowl.  </em>
</p><p>“We are <em> not </em>fine.” </p><p>Jean is <em> not </em>letting Eren get away with the Kirschstein move. If he wants to be a Kirschstein, he’s got to do it the right way and marry Jean first. Otherwise, no dice, he’s going to make Eren communicate with him. The friendship’s happening, and it’s happening today, even if he has to apologise for every single time he’s been a dick. It’s quite a lot of times, but Jean’s ready to be a good person and do the right thing. </p><p>“I don’t know, what are you expecting from me, Jean? You have Armin, isn’t that enough?”</p><p>
  <em> Well, I was not expecting that. Why is Armin even a part of this conversation? I’m not even expecting anything out of you, I just want to be your friend, really. </em>
</p><p>“Armin and I are close, yes, but what does that have to do with the relationship between me and you? I just want to be your <em> friend </em>, is that too much to ask for?”</p><p>Jean sounds desperate and insecure, but he’s beyond caring at this point. Hiding his feelings hasn’t been a great ride for him either, and it feels a little exhilarating to be able to talk openly about what he really feels. </p><p>The few longest seconds of his life pass, as Eren looks like he’s having some kind of internal breakdown. He’s refusing to look at Jean, hands fisted tightly and held back, as if he doesn’t know what to say or what to do. His face is crumpled, and it crosses Jean’s mind to take everything back and try to pass it off as a joke just so that Eren stops looking like he got run over by a horse and a wagon. Jean doesn’t, though. This time, he’s sticking it through and <em> communicating </em>no matter how hard it is on him and Eren. </p><p>Looking very displeased about it, Eren stretches out his free hand that isn’t holding cleaning supplies to Jean, as a show of good will. </p><p>“We <em> are </em> friends. And I’m only doing this for Armin, so don’t get too flattered.”</p><p>Jean’s so happy. It’s not much, but it’s a start, and he’s ready to get this show on the road. </p><p>Without thinking, he pulls the other boy into a tight one-armed hug that he hopes doesn’t come off as <em> too romantic </em>. They’re still friends, for now, and he doesn’t want to frighten Eren when he only decided 2 seconds ago that he’s cool with Jean Kirschstein in his life. </p><p>“What the fuck, Kirschstein, this is <em> way too close, </em>you fucking weirdo! Get off me!”</p><p>Eren’s squirming uncomfortably in his arms, trying to find an escape route, but Jean’s too happy to even think about letting go. He’s on the road to establishing a solid friendship with the guy he loves, and that’s good enough for him, even if it doesn’t end up in anything romantic. Jean’s already over the moon at getting to hug him, and do friendship stuff together. It’s enough. He’s content to be by Eren’s side. </p><p>“You know, Marco hugged me the first time we became friends,” he says, to reassure Eren that this isn’t all completely romantic. He’s not exactly lying. He enjoys the platonic moments nearly as much as any possible romantic ones. Spending time with Eren is good. (Even if they’re literally cleaning horse shit.)</p><p>“Yeah, but Marco’s a touchy guy! Do you have to be so happy about us being friends?”</p><p>
  <em> I am happy, Eren. More than you’d think. </em>
</p><p>Jean pulls back, his face flushed with happiness, eyes wide and bright as he gazes down at Eren. The idiot’s smiling shyly, his lips upturned slightly at the corners. Eren’s shoulders visibly relax, and he looks a lot less tense compared to the whole of the past month, which makes Jean feel like he’s just done A Good Thing. </p><p>“Jeez, Jean, it’s like you’ve never had a friend in your life.”</p><p>“Naw, Jaeger, you know that ain’t true. Ya boy Jean here’s handsome and dashing and absolutely cool. The most popular guy in the 104th squad,” Jean says arrogantly as he preens himself and runs his fingers through his hair. There’s no time better than now to start selling himself to Eren. It’ll be nice if he earns some laughter as a bonus, which he does.</p><p>“Pretty sure Armin’s the most popular boy, Kirschstein. Too bad for you,” Eren teases. Jean catches a very tiny wisp of sadness in his eyes, and momentarily worries that Eren has unreciprocated feelings for Armin - but he’ll make it work somehow anyway. Armin’s already taken after all. </p><p>“Or Levi. Or Reiner, actually, that guy does everyone a solid. Maybe even Commander Erwin, everyone’s into that charisma, yeah?” </p><p>Eren pretends to think, his chin propped up on his fist. </p><p>“Naw, not really. His eyebrows are way too thick, it’s like they occupy half his forehead,” Eren responds before he props up his eyebrows with two fingers, narrows his eyes, and says, “Offer up your hearts! Shinzou wo Sasageyou!” </p><p>“You’re one to talk, Jaeger, your eyebrows are nearly as thick.”</p><p>“You’re into thick eyebrows?” </p><p>Jean blushes, and he stammers back that he’s into all eyebrows equally. So much for working up the courage to chase Eren Jaeger wholeheartedly. He’ll get back to the designated plan in the next 2 minutes, he promises. </p><p>They joke all the way through cleaning, through lunch, all the way to their hand-to-hand combat training class. Jean finds that Eren’s rather pleasant when he’s not moody and sullen. They lapse into a comfortable atmosphere with each other, shoving around casually, and the situation seems extremely promising. At least, Jean’s a lot happier. </p><p>Armin doesn’t turn up for training, <em> again. </em></p><p>He supposes that it’s okay if Armin misses hand-to-hand combat, anyway. It’s not absolutely necessary for most cadets, other than Eren, and Levi certainly makes for a much better coach in the way of fighting or 3DM gear, anyway. He knows the Captain has been training Armin secretly in their free time as well, since romance itself isn’t going to save Armin from titans. The blonde has gotten much more proficient at using the gear, to everyone’s surprise. </p><p>Eren asks him to partner up, and he’s secretly pretty grateful for Levi taking up all of Armin’s time. </p><p>He doesn’t pull his punches against his crush. Training’s serious business, and he’s trying to prepare Eren as well as he can in his own way. Landing a hit on Eren’s jaw, he leaves a red bruise, and tries to communicate to Eren with his gaze that he’s sorry, but he doesn’t have a choice. </p><p>They go at it, lunging at each other, swinging hard hits until they’re both covered in sweat from the sheer intensity of it all. The other cadets, in comparison, look more relaxed and definitely a lot less drained. </p><p>Eren’s a relatively good fighter, after one or two tips from Annie. He kicks out at Jean, who grunts in pain, and retaliates by moving in for a hit to Eren’s right. His opponent deflects it easily, bends down, and attempts to grab his torso, but he clinches the other boy’s wrist and pulls it to his right. Eren escapes from the wrist hold, before he grabs the back of Jean’s neck and tries to flip him right onto the cold hard training ground. Out of instinct, Jean grabs Eren’s collar and drags the slightly shorter boy down with him. </p><p>Eren falls on top of him, and accidentally kisses him full on the mouth. </p><p>
  <em> Eren’s on top of me. He’s kissing me, heck, he’s straddling me. His lips are so warm, just like how I imagined to be. Fiery, like his personality, passionate… He smells fragrant, like burning oak or pine from the fireplace, when all the cadets are huddled together comfortably and talking about the best moments in their lives. Also a little sweaty, but that’s okay. That’s more than okay, actually.  </em>
</p><p>Jean wants to snake his arms around Eren’s waist, and kiss him the way he deserves to be kissed. Everybody’s watching them, but he can’t bring himself to care at all. The universe’s granted him this moment, and he’s clinging onto it as if it might be taken away, which it probably will. </p><p>His hands actually slide up Eren’s hips tentatively, trying to pull him closer - when Eren pulls back sharply, his fingers digging into Jean’s shoulders so deeply that Jean winces in pain, tears in his eyes.  </p><p>Jean’s hurt beyond words. Eren looks so <em> frightened </em> and <em> upset </em> at the idea of kissing Jean that it makes his insides coil with inferiority and self hatred. In fact, Eren looked <em> repulsed </em>, and Jean wonders what the fuck is wrong with himself. There’s a lot to unpack there, but he doesn’t even know where to begin so that the other boy will stop seeing him with that despairing gaze. </p><p>His heart is squeezing so painfully he thinks he might die in the next few seconds - and he wants it to stop - but he’s going to resolve this no matter what. He knows, even without thinking ‘what would Armin/Marco do?’, that he has to talk to Eren about this. </p><p>“Eren - “ he begins, but the other boy’s shaking so badly he feels terrible for even laying his hands on his hips. </p><p>“No,” he says.</p><p>“Eren, listen to me - “</p><p>“I don’t want this. Not like this. <em> Not like this </em>.” </p><p>Jean didn’t think it was possible to feel worse, but he does.</p><p>Did Eren want to give his first kiss to someone else?</p><p>The idiot stands up awkwardly, before he walks away angrily with his hands clenched into tight fists, bumping shoulders and knocking into nearly everyone he passes. Most of the other cadets just let him walk through, looking dazed at the turn of events, murmuring quietly under their breaths. </p><p>Jean follows behind, muttering ‘excuse me’ repeatedly as he wanders through the crowd. His heart tells him to follow Eren, and so he does, because he cares more than he’d admit. He cares <em> a lot </em> , and the conviction to protect Eren will always be there regardless of what Eren feels. This <em> caring </em> thing is naive, stupid, and ridiculous, but he wants to do it anyway, as he doesn’t think he can go back to being a selfish jerk no matter how much it’ll protect him from feeling this throbbing pain in his chest.</p><p>The thought of the night at the outpost comes flowing back to him, and he thinks about how they were so <em> close </em> and he knows that he mustn’t run away like he did that day. He doesn’t want to pull back, even if it’s sensible, and he’s going to tell Eren today that he loves him since there’s no turning back from the accidental kiss, anyway. It would be too deceiving to himself to play it off as some kind of joke.  </p><p>He follows Eren at a respectable distance, just silently guarding him and worrying about him as the idiot walks with absolutely no destination in mind, pausing to wipe at his face with the back of his hand. He’s really crying.</p><p>Jean hates how Eren’s crying gets to him like nothing else can, but he stays in his hidden corner. He doesn’t think Eren wants company right now, so it’s all he can do to keep an eye. </p><p>Turning his head slightly around the corner, he’s bewildered to find that Eren’s stopped walking, and is pressing his ear to the thin wall of the library. Eren has a stunned look on his face, and he’s apparently forgotten all about crying as he looks confused for less than a minute - before the confusion turns into rage. </p><p>Seeing Eren that angry makes Jean debate on whether he should reveal himself and hold Eren back. The silly boy is unlikely to get hurt just from crying, but he might injure himself somehow if he’s furious. </p><p>He decides to watch the situation a little more.</p><p>(This whole spying thing makes him feel like a bit of a creep. Snooping around quietly and being all hidden in the shadows isn’t his style. He does want to respect Eren’s privacy, he does, but he’s worried and it’s not wise to leave him unsupervised while he builds up a complete head of steam.)</p><p>Eren Jaeger kicks the wooden door to the library down, and it gives way easily, crashing to the ground with a mushroom cloud of dust. The Scouts don’t have the money to constantly upgrade their infrastructure, after all. </p><p>His lips are moving and he’s saying something, but Jean can’t hear, so he walks closer, revealing himself from behind the wall. Eren’s too absorbed to notice Jean standing behind him. </p><p>Jean peers over, and sees what Eren’s so angry at. Red creeps up his own cheeks, and he’s so <em> embarrassed </em> . He shouldn’t be here, he probably shouldn’t be looking at this, and he <em> really </em> should wash his eyes out with soap after seeing <em> that </em>.</p><p>Armin’s half sprawled on the desk, green cloak, harness and brown jacket all folded up neatly next to him, white shirt peeled away to show off his pale collarbone and shoulder that has a disreputable red mark on it. The blonde boy’s trying to catch his breath, hands gripping the desk, before they hurriedly fly to the buttons of his shirt upon noticing Eren’s there. He’s flushed, sweaty, with his bangs pinned up in a way that could be called cute? If Levi’s into that kind of thing.</p><p>Oh yeah, Levi’s there too. One hand gripping Armin’s thigh in an unchaste manner, cravat loosened a little. This is about as relaxed Jean’s seen Levi, even if said man is still glaring disdainfully at Eren. The man has the audacity to not even pull back, apparently uncaring that he’s just been caught being intimate. </p><p>“- this bullshit! You’re <em> cheating </em> on Jean! Do you know how guilty I felt over falling in love with Jean? He’s the most <em> wonderful </em> man within these walls and you’re cheating on him with this - this - this - <em> homewrecker </em> ! You don’t even know how fucking lucky you are to have him! I fell for him and he only has eyes for you! I woke up this morning and told myself I would give you guys my blessing, and then you <em> do this </em> you - you <em> cheating purblind </em> - I always thought Jean deserves better than me, he deserves someone <em> kind </em> and <em> gentle and -”  </em></p><p>Eren breaks into Jean’s thoughts with his loud words, and those very words become all that Jean can think about.</p><p>
  <em> Did he just call me wonderful? Did he just say...  He's fallen in love with me? </em>
</p><p>Oh.</p><p>
  <em> Oh.  </em>
</p><p>The revelation hits Jean like a wagon, and he connects the dots explaining all of Eren’s <em> peculiar </em> behaviour, <em> possibly </em>coming to a startlingly happy conclusion.</p><p>
  <em> He’s in love with me. He’s always been, just the way I’ve always been in love with him too. I’m not quite sure I’m awake. </em>
</p><p>“Eren, can you just listen to me for a second -” Armin starts, and a small voice back in Jean’s head tells him that maybe he should cut in and help Armin explain that they’ve never actually been together. </p><p>He’s still too stunned to do anything, though. </p><p>“Shut up Arlert, I’m not done yet! You made your bed, you lie in it! I’m going to tell Jean about this, I don’t care if he still doesn’t love me back, he deserves to be happy, and you can’t just fool everyone with your sweet looks and your soft blond hair and - </p><p>“Seriously, Eren, you need to hear me out - “</p><p>“No! I <em> love </em> Jean, and I won’t let you treat him like this! Not even if we’ve been best friends for nearly a decade! Do you know how many nights I’ve cried because he’s together with you and not me? Do you know how I would give anything in this universe to kiss him again? And here you are, taking all these things for granted and I won’t hesitate to fight you until you go back to him and treat him like he deserves - “</p><p>The conviction in Eren’s voice when he says he <em> loves </em>Jean makes the truth finally sink in.</p><p>
  <em> The dummy thought Armin and I were together. He’s been trying to crash in between us because he’s in love with me, and he doesn’t want Armin and I to start dating. He pulled back when we kissed by accident because he doesn’t want to steal his best friend’s boyfriend. He’s in love with me. With Jean Kirschstein, and I’ve never noticed it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Well, I’ve never noticed it because he was constantly pushing me away. </em>
</p><p>There’s an irresistible urge to laugh, out of the sheer oddity of the entire situation, coupled with another urge that demands he pull the fool right into his arms and kiss the living daylights out of him. He knows Eren is gullible, and a little silly, but he had never expected something this daft.</p><p>The daftness earns him the Captain’s irritation, and he’s at Eren’s side in a second, pulling him into a headlock and muffling him. </p><p>Jean’s torn between rushing over and pulling the Captain off him harshly, and staying where he is. Eren needs to hear it from Armin, at this moment, before everything becomes a bigger mess than it already is. In fact, he’s surprised it’s taken Levi this long to snap. Must be the warm and good influence Armin has on everyone. </p><p>Said good boy yelps at Levi to stop manhandling his best friend. </p><p>“He’ll listen to you if he knows what’s good for him,” Levi drawls effortlessly. “I won’t hurt him unless he struggles.”</p><p>
  <em> Wow, Levi’s so attentive to Armin. </em>
</p><p>“Eren, Jean and I aren’t even together. I have absolutely no idea where you got that idea from, but we’ve never been together. We’re just really good <em> platonic </em> friends, and - I’m in love with <em> someone else </em>.” </p><p>“Is that so? I wonder who...” The Captain remarks. “Care to share with the class? I’m not sure Dumbass here gets it.” </p><p>“Whoever I’m in love with, it’s not Jean Kirschstein, alright?”</p><p>“You could be a little more explicit.”</p><p>“I’m not indulging you, <em> again. </em>”</p><p>“Well, you call the shots, as usual. I always let you call the shots.” </p><p>Call Jean impressed. He’s always known that Levi cares for Armin, but it’s only now that he realises the influence they have on each other. How Levi makes him more confident, brings out the talent in him for being a commander - and how Armin evokes out the kindness and gentleness Levi doesn’t really know how to express. He’s heard that the Captain’s emotionless due to a rough past, but the gaze in those half lidded eyes tell Jean that he’s definitely capable of feeling - at least for Armin. He’s mostly expressionless, but his gaze is soft and full of affection. </p><p>Jean’s happy.</p><p>About Eren being in love with him, yes, but he’s also so glad for his best friend. (He hopes Marco is happy up there, too. He’d like to think that.)</p><p>This might just be the happiest day in his life, actually. He hasn’t had a lot of happy days, other than small-child times, eating meals prepared lovingly by his mom, banging his utensils on the propped up chair without a care in the world. </p><p>“Also, Jean’s, like, really into you,” Armin says coolly, after he’s buttoned his shirt, and hops off the table gently. His bangs are unclipped, his pant creases smoothened out with his hands, and he looks and sounds like himself again. Intelligent, gentle, and studious, rather than the guy who could order Levi around and yet look embarrassed and… dirty? </p><p>Yeah, Jean likes regular Armin/his best friend better. Anything else beyond that should only be for the Corporal’s eyes. </p><p>Levi lets go, and sits down in the chair next to Armin, one leg propped up on the other. </p><p>“He is? - The other day - you were hugging him on the roof -” Eren splutters. </p><p>Eren’s still confused. Man, Jean figured it out already, and he’s not that much brighter than Eren. </p><p>“That’s because we’re <em> friends, </em> Eren, and he was so unhappy about you the other day that I just offered him a hug <em> as a friend </em>, it’s not anything more than that!”</p><p>“And you’re okay with that?” Disbelief spread across Eren’s face. </p><p>“What can I say, I’m not an insecure bastard that doesn’t know how to communicate with the guy he likes. Armin and I have plenty of <em> communication </em>in more ways than one -” Levi’s interrupted by Armin pressing his hand quickly over his mouth, and continues glaring at Eren through narrow slit eyes. </p><p>“You’re not - Jean’s - Jean’s in love with -”</p><p>
  <em> You, you idiot. I’m in love with you, always have been.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I don’t blame you, though, anyone would be surprised such a dashing guy’s in love with one very angry, very reckless and evidently very dimwitted boy.  </em>
</p><p>Jean mentally smacks himself. He needs to stop with the narcissistic jokes, even if they’re only inside his headspace. </p><p>“No offence, Eren, but you really are kind of oblivious. And dense. You kind of need to work on your communication skills too, but so does Jean, actually.”</p><p>
  <em> Ouch, Armin. I’m listening, you know.  </em>
</p><p>Eren’s still in shock, staring at Armin as if he doesn’t get it. </p><p>A few awkward seconds pass by, and Jean decides he should drag his angry boyfriend (a little heart skip there at the thought of Eren being his <em> boyfriend </em>) away. He wants to laugh at Eren, talk to Eren, kiss Eren, clear up all the misunderstandings that they have. Mostly the laughing part, though. This entire situation has been mortifyingly funny. </p><p>Levi gets to Eren before he does.</p><p>“Are you - are you like, done here? Seriously, brat, I’ve got stuff I’d rather be <em> doing </em> and if Armin weren’t here I would have beaten you to a pulp - “ </p><p>He catches Armin’s glare, and grimaces. </p><p>“What I <em> mean </em> is I would <em> never </em> want to beat you to a pulp and we’re all Pacifists now so get the hell out of my sight before I decide that I’ve changed my mind!” </p><p>“Yes Sir, I’m sorry Sir, I-I’ll be leaving now.”</p><p>Armin’s lover slams the door in Eren’s face. Jean hears Armin getting a little angry at Levi in the room, and he finds himself laughing out loud. </p><p>Eren whips around, and pales when he sees Jean standing there, laughing at him.</p><p>“What the fuck are you laughing at, Kirschstein!”</p><p>
  <em> Oh dear, Eren’s angry. So cute, like a small puppy with wide bright eyes trying his best to be mad. I can’t even get frightened. </em>
</p><p>Jean can’t stop laughing. He’s a little dizzy with relief, and all the stress he’s pent up over the past weeks mulling over Jaeger sends him into hysterical laughter, feeling a little like when he’s drunk too much alcohol. It’s refreshing, though Eren’s getting <em> really </em>displeased and he should probably cajole the small angry man. (Jaeger’s not small by any means, but Jean’s tall, so he gets to say that.)</p><p>“That was the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen you do, I can’t help it, it was <em> hilarious, </em>you actually thought Armin and I were together and you had the balls to interrupt his makeout session with the Corporal!” </p><p>Jean’s practically howling with laughter, his eyes welling up in tears. </p><p>“You called him a <em> homewrecker, </em> wow, I’ve never felt this much secondhand embarrassment for someone else! Armin must have been so confused, he probably can’t understand this level of idiocy! What was his face like? I would pay half my salary to watch the entire scene again, and I’ll throw in the New Year’s chicken chop.”</p><p>“I’ve absolutely changed my mind about loving you, Kirschstein, you’re a dick.” </p><p>
  <em> The first day I find out about his feelings, and we’re having a lover’s spat. I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited about arguing before.  </em>
</p><p>“Hey, hey…”</p><p>Jean grasps Eren’s wrist, before sliding down to hold his hand. The other boy doesn’t shrug it away. Instead, he looks down shyly at where their hands are touching, fingers learning about each other, ready to interlace themselves, finally <em> right where they should be </em>. He tugs lightly on Eren’s hand, who automatically goes right into his embrace and wraps his arms around Jean’s waist. He’s burying his face into Jean’s chest in such an abashed manner that Jean finds himself blushing. </p><p>“I’m sorry for laughing,” he says quietly, smiling into Eren’s dark brown hair. It’s so soft against his cheeks. “It’s just - it’s cute. Embarrassing, pretty fucking funny, but really cute.”</p><p>Jean finds himself wanting to tell Eren something. They’ve wasted too much time being fools around each other, Jean included. It might seem too premature to even think about the L word, but Eren’s already gone and declared it in front of his best friend and his Captain, so, Jean supposes it’s okay. </p><p>“For your information, I love you too.” </p><p>It’s like a weight’s been lifted off his chest. </p><p>He says it so softly he wasn’t too sure if Eren had heard it, but the tightened grip on his hips pulling him in even closer tells him that Eren was listening.</p><p>The idiot doesn’t seem to be done being angry yet, though, and he punches Jean lightly in the arm before pushing him onto the cold, wet, grass. </p><p>
  <em> Eren’s looking right down at me with a frown. He’s still mad about me laughing. Guess I’ll have to fix it. This time, I know just how. </em>
</p><p>Jean grabs the collar of Eren’s brown jacket, and pulls him right down to press their lips together. There’s no shock or anger this time, and it feels much better than the first time. </p><p>“Wait, Eren,” Jean murmurs against his lips. “Let’s go somewhere else.”</p><p>He understands, and pulls Jean up.</p><p>Their hands are entangled with each other’s again, and Jean’s amazed at how right it feels. </p><p>They wander into an equipment room nearby, storing the older and broken gear along with leaky gas tanks. It’s dusty and grimy, but they’re soldiers. They’ll deal. </p><p>He turns his back on Eren for a few seconds, as he turns the lock on the door with a single deft movement, heart beating rapidly in excitement. The past hour had felt like contentment, but now he’s back to being nervous, though in the best way possible. Eren’s waiting behind, for <em> him </em> and no one else. Waiting patiently for his hands, his mouth, <em> him. </em>Each other’s first (and hopefully last) lovers.</p><p>Jean turns back around. </p><p>Eren’s looking delectable. He’s biting on his lower lip in an apprehensive manner, hands clasped together tightly, ready for Jean. Walls, he’s <em> beautiful </em> . Shyness is a surprisingly good look on Eren, who’s mostly just angry and brash. It makes him look so <em> innocent </em>, maybe even more than Armin - and Jean can’t wait to dig in.</p><p>He strides over to him before pushing him against the wooden panels of the room and capturing his lips in a passionate kiss. Eren’s kissing back, both their aggressive personalities starting to show in the way they’re not afraid to be rough with each other. They’re panting into each other’s open mouths, as Jean clutches at Eren’s hips needily, pulling them flush against his own. </p><p>He pulls away for a while to shrug off his outer survey corps jacket, Eren whimpering slightly at the loss of contact and helping to feverishly push the brown leather fabric off Jean’s shoulders. The green-eyed boy then assists in unbuckling the many clasps on Jean’s harnesses, before his fingers find the buttons on his white shirt and fumbles ungracefully with them.</p><p>Jean thinks to himself that Eren’s being <em> so good </em> for him. </p><p>Once Jean’s shirt is off, he sees Eren’s eyes on him, drinking in the sight before him like a man dying of thirst. He watches Eren carefully as he looks at Jean’s muscular body in an almost awed kind of gaze, fingertips ghosting lightly over the abdominal muscles. He wishes he’s less sweaty since <em> Eren’s </em>the one scrutinizing him now, but thankfully, Eren doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, he looks like he likes what he sees, very much. </p><p>It’s not like they’ve never been naked in front of each other before, but it’s never been a situation like this. </p><p>Bright emerald eyes look entranced by the view, and Eren presses his palm straight to Jean’s torso, still admiring in a sort of daze.</p><p>Jean’s frankly surprised how slow Eren is going. He’s famous for his impatient nature, after all. </p><p>The moment Jean thinks that, Eren presses <em> hard </em>, and pulls him back in, fisting his hand in Jean’s ashy lavender hair.</p><p>
  <em> That’s it, that’s more like it. My eager little boyfriend. </em>
</p><p>Jean obliges, following Eren’s tug down to bite harshly at his neck, his collarbone, his shoulder. He knows he’s being reckless and that these marks are going to show up tomorrow, but he doesn’t care. He’s waited too long for Eren to be his. By the way Eren eggs him on and pushes his face further into his neck, he reckons he doesn’t mind either.</p><p>Jean has too little clothes on, and Eren has too many. </p><p>(Okay, honestly, it’s not so much about the intimacy and more about the fact that Jean’s secretly embarrassed about being so bare in front of Eren when the other boy’s fully clothed. He’s got a great body from years of tough training, but he still gets shy in front of the man he loves.) </p><p>He doesn’t voice any of this, and instead opts to run his hands down Eren’s torso before reaching the hem of his olive-grey shirt and pushing it up, revealing his boyfriend’s front like he’s unwrapping a present. </p><p>“You’ve no idea how much I’ve wanted this,” he groans. “That day, at the outpost… I really wanted to do this to you. I was scared that you’ll hate me or think I’m stupid after seeing me so vulnerable, and I was too afraid to tell you what I really think of you...”</p><p>It’s nice being able to tell Eren the truth about everything, especially about his feelings. He likes being comfortable enough with Eren. </p><p>“I know, I’ve wanted this too,” Eren whispers in a breathy moan, and he suddenly sighs before chuckling out loud. “I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I barged in on my best friend making out with my Captain.” </p><p>He’s completely ruined the mood, but Jean’s okay with that. Maybe Eren’s not ready, maybe today’s just not the right day, and that’s okay. They’ll have a lot more days to explore each other, anyway. Jean thinks it’s good enough to be able to pull his boyfriend close and laugh about things together, too. </p><p>“You’re literally so <em> dense </em>, and I can’t believe I like that about you.”</p><p>“I can’t believe you like me at all, actually.”</p><p>“I don’t <em> like </em> you, Eren Jaeger, I <em> love </em>you.”</p><p>Jean says it, and he knows he means it, especially when Eren’s face lights up completely. </p><p>***</p><p>That night, Jean’s lying in his bunk, looking at the dusty bottom of the upper bunk, listening to Connie’s snores right next to him, when he sees a silhouette get up from their bed. Said silhouette wanders over, and crumples right into <em> his </em>bed next to him. </p><p>Without even having to think, he turns over to his side, and wraps an arm around this mysterious silhouette.</p><p>“Hi,” he breathes. </p><p>“Hi there,” Eren whispers back, before their lips meet again in a chaste kiss. </p><p>“I’ve wanted to ask you something, you know. A lot of questions, actually,” Jean punctuates his sentence with a kiss to the cheek, “I just want to know everything about you, because I feel like I haven’t been paying enough attention. I missed all your hints.”</p><p>“Hmm.” Eren looks thoughtful, his green eyes looking grey in the dark night. “Ask me, then.”</p><p>“Well… What did you write on the piece of paper? That day, in the lecture?” </p><p>“I’m not telling you.” </p><p>Jean pulls at Eren’s hand, and nestles his face in Eren’s shoulder.</p><p>“Please? You did tell me to ask you…”</p><p>“And I didn’t say I’ll answer.”</p><p>“Where is this sudden wit coming from? Too much Armin?”</p><p>“Seriously, Jean, it’s embarrassing! I can only tell you it’s about you. That’s it. I could have been writing that you’re an absolute dickhead.” </p><p>Jean looks up in glee. Eren was writing shitty love notes about him in class. That’s so cute, for someone who can turn into a 15m titan. He can’t help but relent.</p><p>“Okay, okay, it’s your turn to ask a question.”</p><p>Eren’s hands are searching Jean like a map, pressing light touches to his shoulder, then his arm, then his thigh, as he listens and thinks. He looks a little absentminded and sleepy. </p><p>“Jean, if you were already… into me.... at the outpost, why did you return my cloak to me?”</p><p>Jean’s confused. He’s not sure what Eren’s talking about, he practically stole his cloak that day.</p><p>“What are you talking about?”</p><p>“I woke up, and my cloak was draped back over me… I thought you didn’t want me doing things for you. Just like the broccoli, and the chicken…” He’s already half asleep as he talks, having been tired out from the events of the day.</p><p>“Eren, you silly boy,” Jean says affectionately. Eren had been trying to show his love and care for Jean. Even if the methods were pretty obscure and strange, Jean appreciates it, and smiles at his boyfriend, before pulling the blanket right over his shoulder. </p><p>“Oi, I’m not silly!” Even half asleep, he still manages to be angry.</p><p>“Keep your voice down! Everyone else’s asleep, you know.”</p><p>“Mm.”</p><p>“The cloak’s mine, not yours. I took yours, because I just wanted to own something of yours. You looked so cold, though… so I took my own one and threw it over you.”</p><p>Eren smiles, his eyes already half closed, lulled by Jean’s voice. Jean pulls him closer, and shares the blanket with him, and continues talking as if he’s telling a bedtime story. </p><p>“Thank you for the broccoli and the chicken. I’m not actually that huge a fan of broccoli, but chicken’s impossible to turn down for nearly everyone. I knew you were into it, too, nobody’s that stupid.” </p><p>“When did you start liking me?” His eyes are fully closed, and the words are little more than a murmur.</p><p>“Let’s see… You were such a little brat. Remember the first time we fought? You were going to punch me in the face, and Mikasa broke us apart… I saw the way she held your hand, and I got so jealous. It’s not that I like arguing with you, but it’s usually when we’re arguing that you give me your undivided attention. I liked that. I didn’t like anyone else touching your hand… I wanted to be your friend - “ </p><p>Eren’s asleep. </p><p>“Goodnight, Eren,” Jean says as readjusts himself, kisses Eren on the forehead, and falls asleep too, the happiest he’s ever been.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the thrill of writing lovers being intimate for the first time, omg. i was so in the mood, thinking about how they’re just so anxious but they’re so excited at the same time and eager for each other and<br/>i just think it’s really a special moment when you’re in a room with the person you love and no one else and both of you just found out about each other’s feelings and y’all are just going to be intimate and asdfghjkl (the last bit’s getting really close to smut so i’m sorry if you guys got disappointed by the actual lack of it cos i think i wanted to emphasise their love more than the intimacy)<br/>anyway i really wanted to write jean’s pov of the previous work from this series, which is “get away from my best friend (i’m actually in love with you)” bc i think eren’s someone who can be really really oblivious and he doesn’t notice a lot of the things Jean does, or maybe interprets it wrongly.<br/>and I wanted to write Armin being a good bro!!! like man. I just think that anyone (myself included) would really want Armin as a best friend/therapist because he's so soft and gentle yet won’t hesitate to call you out and give you the right advice even if it hurts !! so like i’m really exploring the platonic relationships as well between jean and armin and a little bit of marco if you squint<br/>i do want to write one more part for this series focusing on the rivarmin and wtf armin’s doing during this entire fic bc he’s always hopping away somewhere and i think we all want to know where (at least i do) so hopefully i’ll be able to make time and get it out!! life is way too busy eugh<br/>thank you so much for reading11! i hope you had a good time, cos I did have a great time writing this. :) </p><p>If you want to read Eren's POV, here it is: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29199150</p></blockquote></div></div>
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